Emerging Sunday night from his record-setting 68-hour acceptance speech to the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee, former President Donald Trump was stunned to discover that Vice President Kamala Harris could well be his Democratic opponent in the November election.
“He messed his pants right then and there,” said a Republican strategist who wished to remain anonymous. “My God, a day’s worth of McDonald’s cheeseburgers being expelled in one fell swoop? I was in the room, and the aroma would have made a turkey vulture gag. Let’s face facts. Trump knows that Harris won’t tolerate any of his bullshit debate antics, including mispronouncing her first name. She’ll just march right over to where he is on stage and slap his sorry ass six ways from Sunday.”
Multiple witnesses report that Amazon Prime vans began delivering bales of Depend undergarments to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida shortly before dawn on Monday.