Space Aliens to Inject New Spy Gear into Human Orifice

Outer Space isn’t so far out…

Today, believers and nonbelievers alike are flabbergasted over the latest news publicized by the notorious internet hackers, known as Anonymous. Earlier this week, members of the vigilante group broke into government computers intercepting a classified email between NASA and the Pentagon. The mail was flush with information about a highly elusive, Alien terrorist cell from planet Vleegorp (pronounced vlee-gorp).

The correspondence contained a vast collection of hilarious cat gifs, but most importantly was the interplanetary Vleegorpian press release detailing their planet’s intent to begin injecting earth’s population with penile implants, which is the opposite end of inserting human asses with anal probes. Vleegorp’s abandonment of standard anal procedure will make them the first Aliens to penetrate our people in a different orifice.

For centuries, extraterrestrials considered the gluteus maximus method of monitoring human beings as the most dependable spy tactic. Currently 98% of all Alien nations outsource their probal manufacturing to Korea. But making the probes more affordable has allowed poorer Aliens access to the technology, and that created an excessive amount of competition to be the first penetrater of each human’s anal cavity.

This lends itself to multiple probes, by numerous Aliens, being plugged into an individual’s butt. Biologically speaking, the more foreign objects inside a person’s anus, the more likely they are to notice it and remove it. Detection of the intrusive spy gear prevents Alien retrieval of necessary Intel.

The Paranormal Branch of the CIA estimates the average number of Alien probes stuffed inside an American’s backside ranges from two to six. Across the pond, a British citizen’s arse is believed to contain at least 16. This gangbang of probes is exactly what prompted Vleeglorp’s motion to master penile implantation and become a top, while other Aliens remain bottoms.

As of late there is no word on how the American government plans to protect our privates. But the Anonymous hackers did report the Pentagon’s two main concerns regarding Vleegorp’s switch to penile implants. One is, they worry women won’t be able to feel insertion of the small thing, and therefore, female penile penetration will be even harder to detect. Secondly, they fear that even if a male discovers the intrusion, he is likely to hold on to it.