Space Aliens to Inject New Spy Gear into Human Orifice

Outer Space isn’t so far out…

Today, believers and nonbelievers alike are flabbergasted over the latest news publicized by the notorious internet hackers, known as Anonymous. Earlier this week, members of the vigilante group broke into government computers intercepting a classified email between NASA and the Pentagon. The mail was flush with information about a highly elusive, Alien terrorist cell from planet Vleegorp (pronounced vlee-gorp).

The correspondence contained a vast collection of hilarious cat gifs, but most importantly was the interplanetary Vleegorpian press release detailing their planet’s intent to begin injecting earth’s population with penile implants, which is the opposite end of inserting human asses with anal probes. Vleegorp’s abandonment of standard anal procedure will make them the first Aliens to penetrate our people in a different orifice.

charlie kazfranco vleegorp penile probe patent pendingFor centuries, extraterrestrials considered the gluteus maximus method of monitoring human beings as the most dependable spy tactic. Currently 98% of all Alien nations outsource their probal manufacturing to Korea. But making the probes more affordable has allowed poorer Aliens access to the technology, and that created an excessive amount of competition to be the first penetrater of each human’s anal cavity.

alien probe detection and removal

This lends itself to multiple probes, by numerous Aliens, being plugged into an individual’s butt. Biologically speaking, the more foreign objects inside a person’s anus, the more likely they are to notice it and remove it. Detection of the intrusive spy gear prevents Alien retrieval of necessary Intel.

The Paranormal Branch of the CIA estimates the average number of Alien probes stuffed inside an American’s backside ranges from two to six. Across the pond, a British citizen’s arse is believed to contain at least 16. This gangbang of probes is exactly what prompted Vleeglorp’s motion to master penile implantation and become a top, while other Aliens remain bottoms.

As of late there is no word on how the American government plans to protect our privates. But the Anonymous hackers did report the Pentagon’s two main concerns regarding Vleegorp’s switch to penile implants. One is, they worry women won’t be able to feel insertion of the small thing, and therefore, female penile penetration will be even harder to detect. Secondly, they fear that even if a male discovers the intrusion, he is likely to hold on to it.

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9 thoughts on “Space Aliens to Inject New Spy Gear into Human Orifice”

  1. This is why I ban all news from reaching my kid. The evils of the real world: SpongeBob SquarePants, Barney, anal probes, is too much for today’s youth!

  2. HA! If the penile implants are as huge as they are in that xray I think chicks will notice. Hello earth citizen I am Alien Blorfgroove, MC and DJ from planet Bogman. My butt hurts too.

  3. @lbwoodgate eeewww. @chevvers If England excommunicates Piers, the terrorists win. @ted34 don’t let the aliens get ya’ where the doorknob hits ya.@abbey our cinema is obsessed with NYC doomsday. So correct. And your bottoms are tighter too. Hmmm, odd they don’t plug us Americans up more, odd.

  4. This is ridiculous. You trying to tell me Aliens are more interested in us than they are in Americans? No f’in way. The Aliens are always movie doomsday in New York City, not London. We don’t get alien action we get Victorian action, Shakespeare action. Yet my arse is plugged so full with outer space I can’t even sh*t straight. I’d like to have a word with these Aliens, thank you very much! Tossers.

  5. I needed this laugh today, you are one funny son of a gun! Tell me are vleegorp aliens interested in us humble folks down here in Georgia? I feel kinda of left out on the anal. I’ll be waiting to hold on to the penile, that’s for sure.

  6. I’m not too keen on Alien’s constipating me without my consent. But if it wasn’t for this notice I’d still be buggered with all 16 of these bloody things. I’ve removed 8 of them, thanks to you. Later, after a spot of tea, the missus will dive in for the rest. *FYI We don’t acknowledge Piers Morgan as being one of us*

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