by Dr. Nancy Berk

Lately, I have been frustrated with the Internet and social media. So, last night I started to think about what I would do to make life easier for everyone if I were Queen of the Internet:

1. Each year, browser and email service providers would have to bid on who will take care of the entire Internet.  If the company that wins the bids screws up more than three times in a month, their contract is declared null and void and they must surrender their contract to the company who was in second place in the bidding war.  Companies must at all times provide uninterrupted service, easy loading and sending of emails, no more than three seconds to get to a requested site, and no SEO crap.  I will entertain alternative ideas for sites getting found and the word GOOGLE is not a part of that alternative – I applaud them for their stand on the now defunct SOPA bill but for the most part, they just bully everyone on the Internet.

2. No one would be allowed to call themselves a news site if they can’t back up every story with at least two corroborating sources–not one half-assed source from some biased blogger who is just trying to pretend he is the next Bill O’Reilly or even a real journalist.   No, there must be two legitimate sources who are willing to give their names and physical addresses.

3. No one will be able to comment on any article on any site without verifying that he or she has passed a grammar and IQ test.  In fact, as Queen of the Internet, I will put forth laws that test people’s intelligence, and by that I mean common sense, before they are allowed to buy a PC or MAC. I would also test them before they buy new cellular devices.   Smart phones do not necessarily make smart people.

4. I would re-do social media and ban site updates that are obviously designed for the sole purpose of driving people crazy. There would be no mandatory switching to the new Timeline on Facebook nor would there be a new Twitter or StumbleUpon interface. Improvements can be made but only if the social media sites do not force people to re-arrange their profiles or photos or force them to pay for exposure or learn a new method of posting.

4 A. Also, as with the news sites and commentary – there will be new ground rules in decorum and manners on all social media.  There will be no bullying. There will be no forcing tweeps to “Twittercide” because you did not agree with their point of view and then got ten thousand other people to slam them with vicious comments. There will be a sense of patience and fair play. If you make a challenging remark, prepare to discuss it without calling anyone names.  If you call someone a name, your identity will be blasted into cyberspace.  Also, no husband and wife combined twitter accounts. That is just too cutesy, annoying and weird. As for Linkedin subscribers, there will be webinars on how to loosen up online and not come off as poster children for the GOP.

4 B. The last social media point focuses on the famous: If you are a celebrity, I hate to break this to you, but you are not that important despite the fact that you might have one million followers.  Also, if you do not do your own social media posts, get off social media. If you only tweet your crap and never interact with anyone, get off social media. This is your chance to show the world that you are a regular human being. Don’t blow it by showing the world that your ego is bigger than your talent.

5. Online dating would be totally under my direction. Why? Because I can’t even imagine the fun I would have with this.  I would arrange all the dates. J-Date man… meet Christian Singles Woman.  Finally, I could see if God does play favorites. Darwin Dating man (Site for only Beautiful people) meet Convict woman – yes, there is a site for those with a thing for convicts. Imagine this interaction!

6. As Queen of the Internet I would make porn legal and free. It’s not that I am into porn. I don’t remember the last time I saw anything in this genre to be honest, but it is everywhere and why not let people get out their frustration, and as long as it is done in the privacy of their home, I don’t care.  For the record, I’m only talking regular porn — not the stuff from Amsterdam. Oh, I know the Family Council and Morality people will be up in arms with this, but if you don’t want your kids seeing it, watch your kids. It’s so simple and that is YOUR JOB.

7. Politicians can’t tweet: well, specifically, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum. Why? Because they give the US a bad name.  Each country can post a list of their own politicians who are too embarrassing to let out on the Internet.  Obviously, this list will be updated with each election or violent coup.

I know I will think of more things to want to do during my reign as Queen of the Internet, but I think this is a good start. Feel free to send me your suggestions.

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh, the Founder of HumorOutcasts.com, is a veteran journalist whose detour into humor writing has landed her on the pages and blogs of MORE Magazine, theSOP.org, and FIRST Magazine. A former humor columnist for Journal Register Papers, she was a USA Books Contest finalist for her first book “Life On The Off Ramp.” Host of BlogTalk Radio’s Wicked Wednesdays, Donna is also co-host of the Humor Outcasts’ Podcast “You’re Joking, Right?”

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Tags: celebrities, facebook, Google, humor, internet, online dating, politicians, Rick Santorum, social media, twitter