Announcer: “This is not a drill”
Me: “Then what is it? A hammer or a saw?”
*goes for a high five*
*is left hanging*
*dies in a tornado*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 20, 2013
It’s not like I’ll just fuck anything that moves. I’ll also fuck anything that lies perfectly still. Just ask my wife.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 20, 2013
Clowns freak me out. I’m not bothered by the makeup or the balloon animals. I’m just terrified of happiness.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 20, 2013
My vegan friend thinks it’s weird that I eat dead animals. I don’t get it. It’d be way weirder if I ate them when they were still alive.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 20, 2013
I caught my 1-year-old with a permanent marker. The only way she could’ve done more damage is if she had matches and the keys to my car.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 20, 2013
