I hate going back to the office after a long vacation. Or a short vacation. Or no vacation. Seriously, fuck work.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 27, 2013
Me: I’m going to spelunk you so hard.
Wife: That means to explore a cave.
Me: I know.
Wife:
Me: Seriously, you pushed 2 kids through it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 27, 2013
*chops up Christmas tree*
*throws it in the fire*
*remembers it’s an artificial tree*
*dies from melted plastic fumes*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 27, 2013
Wife: You installed it wrong.
Me: Nah.
*flips switch*
*ceiling fan screeches and shoots fire*
Me: Maybe it’s supposed to do that.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 27, 2013
*opens box of Disney princess Legos*
*helps daughters build a home for Belle*
*hopes she lives happily ever after in her pink Death Star*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 27, 2013