In social situations, my 3-year-old recites random facts. Her favorite is, “When you and mommy get old, you’ll die.” She’s fun at parties.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 3, 2013
No, I didn’t say, “I’m hitting on you.” I said, “I put a hit on you.” Sorry for the confusion. Also, die.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 3, 2013
If I had a medical degree, every time I received a package from Amazon I'd shout, “That’s just what the doctor ordered!” Then I’d die alone.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 3, 2013
3-year-old: “Daddy, I’m not pooping my pants!”
Me: “Congratulations.”
3: "Wait, never mind."
And that’s what disappointment smells like.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 3, 2013
I thrive in waiting rooms. It’s the one time it’s actually considered polite for me to ignore everyone and stare at my phone.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 3, 2013
I am sensing a theme or at least a mood tonight! But oh so funny!
It’s ear infection season, so from this point forward approximately 90 percent of my tweets will be written in the waiting room of a pediatrician.