Wife: You’re a terrible husband.
Me: I can change.
*transforms into a dragon*
*proves to also be a terrible dragon-husband*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 8, 2013
I fed my 1-year-old pizza and chocolate for dinner. Now I’m cleaning up her vomit. Once again I’m being punished for my excellent parenting.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2013
Me: Are you a natural blonde?
Her: No. I’m a supernatural blonde.
*runs fingers through her ghost hair*
*walks through wall*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 8, 2013
To outsmart top chess players, it took the most powerful computer in the world. To outsmart me, it took a turtle on a 16-bit Super Nintendo.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 8, 2013
Since we’re all screwed up, the real social deviants are the ones who have their shit together. Keep an eye on those guys. They’re trouble.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 8, 2013