Are These Better Job Options? | HumorOutcasts

Are These Better Job Options?

September 7, 2014
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Better job options-Recently I’ve started considering alternate jobs and careers where I would excel.  Do I currently have a job and career?  Yes, but there are certainly other things I could do that would bring me joy and happiness (and that wouldn’t require me to wear suits….or depending on the career….bras).

So I’ve decided to make a list of possible career moves and why I would or wouldn’t be a good match for each.  Feel free to suggest other options, but just know I refuse to work anywhere that requires me to wear a visor.

This is non-negotiable.

1.  Snake charmer

I frequently hear people describe me as charming, which may be a backhanded compliment.  I’m not sure, but since I think I’m delightfully charming, I go with it.

Naturally, I thought perhaps a job with the word “charm” in it would be a great option, since I already possess the requisite skill.

However, the only job I could think of with that word is a snake charmer, and since snakes are one of the few things in life that leave me speechless, I don’t think this is a good career move.  I suspect my haters would disagree.

2.  Professional wake-up-caller

Now here’s a job where I wouldn’t have to wear pants.  Score!  I could work from the comfort of my home, making calls to people to wake them up.  This would be a great job because I love yelling “Wake up, people, the light is green!” or “Wake up people, hipsters really do want to take over the world!”  (They really do.)

Wait.  I would have to make calls to literally wake people up from sleep?  I couldn’t just wake them up from their delusions?  Um, this suddenly doesn’t sound so appealing.  I’ll hit the snooze button on this one.

3.  Mime

Perhaps I could become a mime.  I have a pale face and I look awesome in black. This is right up my alley…unless I would have to perform in an alley, which wouldn’t be cool.  I would have to be a professional mime for this to work.

You know what?  This won’t work for me because it requires me to stay silent, and I have far too many brilliant things to say to do this job.  The world needs to benefit from my comments, so I will pass on this one.  You’re welcome for that.

4.  Haberdasher

I don’t have any desire to do this job, but I do have a desire to say this word repeatedly, so that’s why it’s number four.  Haberdasher.

5.  Mortician

Since people often annoy me, perhaps this would be a great job for me.  It’s perfect because it combines my irritation with people and my love of applying makeup.  Maybe we have a winner here.

One teeny weeny little problem.  (Hee hee. Weeny).  I am horrible with makeup.  Seriously.  I can’t apply eyeliner and I’ve injured myself with an eyelash curler one too many times.  Assuming people want to remember their Aunt Sally as she was, this might not be a great career move.  But, if people want to remember Aunt Sally as a member of Kiss, then I’ve got them covered.  (I will literally cover her in makeup).

I’m sure you’re sick of reading this, and I’m sick of typing, so I will stop for now.  I guess I will continue in my current profession; that is, until I come up with something completely brilliant to do.

Lisa Newlin

Lisa is a humor writer who plays an unconvincing lawyer in year life. She prefers dogs to most people, and food over most everything. Her blog, http://lisanewlin.com will make you feel better about your own life. It will also remind you that vodka is the answer to everything. (Except if the question is “What should I throw on this fire?” Then the answer is definitely NOT vodka.)

She is also a co-author of the bestselling humor books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “‘You’ve Got Lipstick On Your Teeth,’ And Other Things Only Heard From Your Friends In The Powder Room.” You should buy them immediately on Amazon.com.

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8 Responses to Are These Better Job Options?

  1. Kathy Minicozzi
    September 8, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    I want to be a professional cupcake decorator, especially if I get to bring my work home.

  2. September 8, 2014 at 11:49 am

    I’m thinking balloon animal configuration and the face painting arts. Always been a dream of mine to go to clown college, because why not? I’ve covered all the other non-lucrative bases.

    • September 8, 2014 at 6:31 pm

      I bet balloon animal configuration and face painting would have pretty good hours. Sure, it would be on weekends but you’d have your weeks free. You’re on to something!

  3. September 8, 2014 at 6:51 am

    I’ve considered other careers as well including flame thrower (for pyromaniacs), post-menopausal overweight escort (for those men who have mommy issues) and roadkill taxidermist (we got lots of dead animals in the streets – I can make a killing!). Still exploring other avenues and will get back to you soon.

    • September 8, 2014 at 6:32 pm

      I loved the roadkill taxidermist the best, mostly because you said you could make a killing and I find puns hilarious. 🙂

      Please keep me posted on what you find out. I could definitely use a change in jobs and I want something that requires as little work as possible.

  4. September 8, 2014 at 4:07 am

    Well, they all have to have better profit margins than writing.

    • September 8, 2014 at 6:33 pm

      You’re right about that. Anything has a better profit margin that writing. Then again, I can write without pants, so that’s kind of payment in itself.

      • September 9, 2014 at 2:52 am

        I *could* write without pants, but … leather office chair.



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