Wife: You never sweep me off my feet. Me: *sweeps her leg* It’s like she’s never seen “Karate Kid.” That’s her own fault.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 13, 2014
Wife: Would you give me an organ to save my life? Me: I offer you an organ all the time Wife: I DON’T WANT YOUR PENIS It’s her funeral.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2014
Did you ever wonder if maybe Lassie was the one who pushed all those kids down the well? He was always the first one on the scene…
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 13, 2014
Wife: What are you thinking about? Me: There should be a toilet Transformer called “Shitbot.” W: M: W: M: Do we have any scrap metal?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 13, 2014
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 13, 2014
I’ll have to update my organ donor card! 🙂