Me: How was daycare? 3-year-old daughter: My friend pooped his pants on purpose. I like him. Girls always go for the bad boys.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 26, 2014
Wife: It’s unrealistic how Pokemon pop out of those balls. Me: Technically, kids come from balls, too. Wife: Never touch me again.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 26, 2014
Me: Do you think I’m emotionally distant? Wife: You texted me that while we’re in the same house M: I had to. You didn’t reply to my email
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 26, 2014
Wife: *folds a paper crane* 3-year-old: Daddy what can you make? Me: *lays paper flat on the table* An origami rug I bet I’m her favorite
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 26, 2014
Pregnant wife: I’m sore Me: Stop whining. Dogs can give birth 3 times a year Then fire literally shot from her eyes. I’m in the burn ward.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 26, 2014