Wife: Are you OK to drive? Me: I passed a breathalyzer. Wife: That’s your iPhone, and you licked it. Me: Are you a cop?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2014
3-year-old: What happened to that deer? Me: He’s napping. In the middle of the road. In four pieces. Nailed it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2014
My 3-year-old: Can you run fast? My wife: No, I’m pregnant. 3: Daddy says the zombies will eat you while we get away. Busted.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2014
Wife: You never learn from your mistakes. Me: You let me get you pregnant three times. Checkmate.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2014
Me: Let’s go to grandma’s house. 3-year-old: On the way can we run over bad guys? Guess who watched me play Grand Theft Auto.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2014
