Clerk: How many balloons do you need? Me: Enough to lift my house. Clerk: Pixar movies aren’t real life. Me: SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 29, 2014
I have 2 little girls. Things in my pockets right now: 1) barrettes 2) stickers 3) doll shoes Things that aren’t: 1) my man card
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 29, 2014
I bet people would stop resisting arrest if jail had free Wi-Fi.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 29, 2014
3-year-old: I can’t carry this. It’s too heavy. Me: It’s a bottle of shampoo. 3: *grunts like a power lifter*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 29, 2014
Of course I didn’t achieve my childhood dreams. They all depended on the invention of jetpacks. Thanks for nothing, science.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 29, 2014
