If your boyfriend says he’d catch a grenade for you, don’t be flattered. Clearly he’d rather die than stay in that relationship.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2014
Me: *splashes warm water on face* *drinks 10 Red Bulls* OK, tell your story. Wife: So at work… Me: *immediately falls asleep*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2014
Wife: Do something about that Me: About what? W: Our toddler is screaming at your feet I tuned her out completely. Parenting level: Epic.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2014
If you’re asking if my joints creak like I’m a 70-year-old man, then, yes, I have “moves like Jagger.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2014
Me: *turns on music* 3-year-old: Were you born that way? Me: What way? 3: As a bad dancer. From now on, we’ll listen to NPR in the car.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2014
If a 3 year old thinks you’re a bad dancer, you must be terrible, because 3 year olds think all kinds of lame stuff is cool.