Nice, Nice Nice

Have you ever wondered where all the kind and generous people have gone to? It seems like everyone now is out there to screw you in some way, shape or form. And while I’m all for consenting, adults-only screwfests (I actually went to ScrewFest ’99 in Wichita, KS. Turns out it was a carpenter’s convention), it just seems like no one really cares anymore.

So I decided to set out on a journey to find people who were filled with compassion, love and care for their fellow-man or woman, or womyn if you’re so inclined to be less sexually entwined with your words. What I found was this: They’ve all gone to another planet.

Yes, all the nice people on Earth packed their shit and got into their vans and Priuses and drove to another planet. This planet is far, far away. And on it there is no TV or a cell phone for miles and miles. No one there has ever even heard of “Guns and Roses” or YouTube.

In fact, on this planet, their version of YouTube is called “UsTube” and every comment is a positive one, every video has a billion likes. There’s no war, famine or disease. There’s no pain, or suffering. There’s no cholesterol. There’s not even death. Everyone on the nice planet lives on forever and ever.

Their lives are so free of stress that TNT doesn’t even have a channel there; because there is no drama. No one ever sings off-key there and ice cream never melts. It’s a goddamned Utopia! On this planet The Beatles never broke up!

The Nice Planet doesn’t have long waits at their DMV. The Nice Planet has 32 separate World Series trophies for each team in the league. The Nice Planet is 72 degrees and sunny year round. The Nice Planet won Student of the Month 42 months in a row, and only lost the 43rd because they decided instead to give it to Jupiter, feeling bad about all the Earthlings calling their women “Stupider.”

Things could not possibly get any better on The Nice Planet. Although, there is one tiny, little thing.

Everyone there is bored out of their minds.