7 Phantom Scents My Pregnant Wife Thinks She Smells

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It’s fairly common knowledge that pregnancy induces an internal hormonal cascade that can…hmmm, how should I phrase it…change the perceptions of a pregnant woman.

Such perceptional shifts are perfectly normal.

Especially considering the fact that the budding life is competing with mom for food, water and oxygen, while mom’s body is building the necessary infrastructure to accommodate the demanding fetal tyrant.

The least we expectant dads can do is cut our pregnant wives some slack because the lovely ladies are all hopped up on estrogen, progesterone and  human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG).

Coincidentally, I think each of those are on the banned substance list for the 2012 Summer Olympics, but I could be wrong.

Regardless, during each of my wife’s three pregnancies the baby-induced hormone bath has given her a homo-superior enhanced sense of smell, it’s almost like living with a super-hott-(with double “T”)-babe version of mutant superhero Wolverine.

Because of her freakishly keen olfactory senses, my wife is nearly always catching phantom whiffs of some such thing or another that no normal human can. The actual source scents are almost certainly several blocks down the street – possibly in the neighboring county.

But here are 7 phantom scents my pregnant wife thinks she smells:

7. Jovan Musk Aftershave – this is not  a cologne (I use the term loosely) that I’ve ever worn. Oh sure, I dabbled with a little English Leather and Aqua Velva as a preteen but didn’t everyone? Once in high school I quickly graduated to the hard stuff, Ralph Loren samples and Drakkar – but never Jovan. So I don’t know what she’s smelling….

6. Cat Urine – whenever we go on walks around the neighborhood she’s bound to ask if I caught a pungent  whiff of feline pee. I have to reply “no” as I do every time she gives me one of this pop nasal quizzes. I don’t smell anything…then again,  I’m not pregnant.

5. Mustard or Popcorn – for some reason these two seem to come up with alternating frequency but never at a food court or ballgame where they would make sense. These two seem to manifest in the weirdest places such as the doctor’s office, furniture stores or instant oil garages. It’s an imponderable, but then again – so are women.

4. Toilet Running – this is perhaps the most unsettling and Sixth Sense-esque manifestation. As soon as we walk in the house after running errands, she’ll be taking her coat off and casually mention “Can you go jiggle the handle  on the toilet upstairs in the back of the house, it’s running!” So, I’ll go upstairs and every single time she’s right. Now that happens time-to-time with that particular plumbing fixture because the tank flapper doesn’t have a tight seal. The weird thing is that you CAN’T actually hear the water running until you open the door to that water closet, so HOW the Sam Hill does my wife smell it????

3. Gasoline – about once every couple of weeks my lovely wife and I will be sitting in our living room relaxing when out of the blue she’ll ask me if I smell gas, not natural gas mind you – which would make sense in a home setting – but petro gasoline. Of course I reply “no” to her adenoid inquisition. The best I can figure is that she smells somebody gassing up their Lawn  Boy to cut the grass – but in the dead of winter??? Apparently her whiffer has the ability to transcend  time and space, sniffing into the pending spring.

2. Rain – this is another “I see dead people” type of ability she has, but my wife can truly sense a rainstorm about 15 minutest before it starts based solely on her petite and pretty proboscis. There’s not a cloud in the sky, but when her Doppler-Schnoz-5000 kicks in, we pack up the picnic before the deluge – always making it before the first drops fall.

1. Dirty Diaper – this one is a mystery that comes up with random frequency at a variety of unexpected places. I would understand it if we already had the new born baby, along with piles of poopy Pamper pyramids that we carted around with us, but that’s simply not that case. I honestly have no idea about this one. I love her to pieces but this is truly a mind-boggling conundrum.

Question: What superpowers has pregnancy bestowed on you or your spouse respectively? What superpower do you wish accompanied pregnancy?

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3 thoughts on “7 Phantom Scents My Pregnant Wife Thinks She Smells”

  1. Believe it or not, I actually smelled gasoline once in my apartment. I had a houseguest at the time, and she smelled it, too. I live in a basement apartment. My landlord and his wife, who live upstairs, were not home at the time. We ended up calling for help. THREE fire trucks showed up, and at least one police car! There were (really cute, hunky) firemen all over the place! Eventually they told us that it appeared that someone in the neighborhood had dumped gasoline into one of the drainpipes on the street. Of course, we had no way of knowing who did it. We just had to wait until it dissipated.

  2. LOL Tor I totally get the “Rain” thing. I tell people I can smell rain when it’s a sunny day. They call me a human barometer, then they whisper,”She’s crazy!”

  3. Oh Tor, this was too funny. I love the toilet bowl running and that she is right that it is running and she hears it even though “… on the toilet upstairs in the back of the house, it’s running!” . I guess pregnancy brings with it that sixth sense thing. I just loved the entire post. Had me giggling.

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