My new life calling is Reality TV. Let me explain. I’m not a big fan of it; I am just engrossed in its effects. What started with a few people on an island doing stupid physical stunts to win a $1 million prize has exploded into a phenomenon that continues to propagate two lies in our world: First, TV writers are unnecessary and second, reality show stars possess talent.
I know I have poked fun at Mob Wives, Jersey Shore and Bridezillas in the past, and honestly, I have no regrets I did. In fact, there is a good chance that the ladies of Staten Island will be the butt of a few jokes in the future as will the very disturbed women who plan their weddings with the finesse of a leader of a dog fighting ring, but these shows are not my topic here. No, a new show happened upon my TV screen, and it took me to an entirely new level of Reality Show Hatred, and that show is Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
Who is Honey Boo Boo you ask? She must be a joke — right? Well, I asked the same questions and a nice woman on Twitter explained that Honey Boo Boo was the breakout star of another show I had not watched in earnest, Toddlers & Tiaras (breakout star translates to most obnoxious), and the kid was given a spinoff. Yes, this small child from Georgia–of course because that is where all pageant children come from– is now a star of her own reality show. Don’t judge until you see this kid in action, so here’s a link. To appreciate why this girl became the breakout star of the Toddler series, I thought I should watch an episode. From watching this show I learned two things: First, Jesus spends a lot of time at kid beauty pageants because all the girls and their parents call on him constantly for assistance and secondly, the state of Georgia must not have a child welfare department.
From what I learned, the tiny contestants drink go-go juice which is some kind of energy drink and Mountain Dew concoction. They feast on Pixie Sticks and chocolate to get their best pageant energy going, and they wear more makeup than a transvestite hooker on Halloween. And, none of this bothered me nearly as much as when I heard the goals of two little toddler contestants. One child said her goal was to listen to Jesus so he could show her what she needed to be in life (apparently, so far he wants her to parade around a stage in makeup looking like a 30-year-old tramp) and the other little angel wanted to win her first pageant crown and shoot and kill her first deer all in one week.
I am still trying not to judge, but I am losing the battle. At least both girls had goals, but then I saw Honey Boo Boo in action. Honey Boo Boo’s goals are to eat cheese balls in the morning, and in the afternoon work on her pageant strut while exposing her tummy just right so the judges take notice. Her family is always by her side at these pageants which I guess is endearing, but in her few short years of life, Honey Boo Boo has already learned that a pageant crown that does not come with a monetary award is not a win, so her goal is to win “Big Money”.
Admission here: I only got through half the spinoff because I couldn’t identify with Honey Boo Boo’s family life at all. They went on this redneck picnic which did look like fun except for the bobbing for raw pig’s feet contest and the swimming in the creek which according to posted signs contained high levels of bacteria that could eat away flesh. In Honey Boo Boo’s mother’s defense, she wouldn’t let her kids go in the creek with the other rednecks, and as an aside, I better not be subjected to flesh-eating bacteria stories on HuffingtonPost.com next week about any of these people who dove into the contaminated watering hole. My sympathy strings can be pulled only so far.
So, what to do about Honey Boo Boo? I think this show is going to be a big hit because that is what we watch now. Will I watch it again? The chances are slim. While no one likes good reality show-humor fodder more than me, even I have my limits. I might have to go back to the Kardashians and the mother who pimped out her own daughter’s sex tape. Now, there is a family with values.