Like most writers, I get inspired by the work of the Great Ones. I also crib ideas from my colleagues. This includes the work of that talented humorist Bill Y. Ledden. His brilliant treatise on single women and starvation can be found here:
https://humoroutcasts.com/2012/over-68000-single-women-starve-to-death-every-year/
This was too great a temptation to just pass up like a serving of stewed tomatoes and Brussels sprouts. I had to take this theme and wring everything out of it. Here are the results.
We women have a lot of power and strength. Women are now putting out fires and rescuing people and cats stuck in trees. We are climbing up high and helping to build buildings. We are chasing criminals and handing out parking tickets, as well as traveling into space and piloting fighter planes. The one thing we have not yet mastered is opening a stuck jar of food.
The following are step-by-step suggestions of how a woman who is ill-equipped for the task can handle trying to open a jar of pickles:
1. Take the jar out of the cupboard, look at it with love and begin to salivate while thinking about how good a dill pickle would taste about now.
2. Start to twist the lid. It won’t budge. The more you want that pickle the harder it will be to get to it. This is a scientific fact, and one of these days someone will conduct an experiment and prove it.
3. Twist harder. It won’t make any difference.
4. Hold the thing firmly in both hands, bend over so that you bring your stomach muscles into the act, grunt, groan and curse, and twist the damned top until your hand is sore. Nothing else will happen.
5. Wrap the cursed piece of glass and metal in a kitchen towel and repeat Step No. 4, chanting the following mantra: “I am Woman! I deserve a pickle and I will have it!” The jar will only laugh at you.
6. Run the hot water in the sink until it gets as hot as it’s going to get. Say, “Burn, you sucker!” as you hold the lid of the jar under the hot water for as long as you think necessary to scald it into submission. Turn the water off and repeat Step No. 4. The jar is now giving you a Bronx cheer, as well as laughing at you.
7. Do the hot water trick again, and then bang the lid several times, hard, against the edge of the kitchen table. You still won’t be able to open it, but you will have a nice decorative scratch on the table.
8. Throw the jar onto the floor. Not only does it refuse to open, it refuses to break.
9. Stomp on it with your foot.
10. Throw it against the wall.
11. When your neighbor knocks on the door, wondering what kind of violence is happening to you, show her the jar and hand it to her. She will open it with one easy swipe.
Victory!
If it works, that is all that matters!
Yes, especially if you can get someone else to finish the job for you. 😉
In my experience, few of lifes problems can be solved by simply getting a bigger hammer. 🙂
Of course. A few glass shards make a great garnish for a pickle. 😉
Ha! I have played that game before a few times. My Mom was always getting me to undo the jars as she had difficulty. Those rubber coasters make it a bit easier, since you can grip the lid better, but then by the time the jar is open, it’s time to treat the blisters you got as a result.
Don’t look on them as blisters. Look on them as war wounds.
Fascinating as always Ms. Minicozzi. I came across some manly reading which you might find interesting:
http://artofmanliness.com/2008/01/19/how-to-open-a-stuck-jar-lid/
Thank you, Mr. Ledden, as always.
My wife has used this method when I was unavailable.
Your wife is obviously an intelligent woman.