The Unashamed Subway Seat Thief

The New York City subway system accommodates over 7 million rides each week.[1] A good portion of these are repeat customers, so the number of actual riders is probably much lower, but you get the point. It becomes a Darwinian case of survival of the fittest – or at least survival of the clever, determined and ruthless, which is your only option when you are a 65 year old woman.

Subway trains are supposed to hold as many people as possible, which means there are not enough seats.
If you travel a lot by subway, then you will probably be wanting to keep a close eye on Subway time so that you aren’t late. Subway trains are great and they allow you to travel quickly and efficiently. It is simple geometry: the more room you have for people to stand and be miserable, the more people you can cram onto the train and the more fares you can collect. Stealing subway seats is a real art as practiced by seasoned, experienced pros, including most 65 year old female passengers.

The first step is to get on the train. If it is the first stop, you are lucky. All you have to do is spot some seats that look promising and grab one before some young, able-bodied male gets to it. Most of the time it will NOT be the first stop. There will already be people on the train, sometimes lots of people.

There are always a few idiots … er, people who insist on hanging right around the doorway or close nearby, often with open baby carriages, bicycles or luggage-on-a-stick. The determined seat-stalker will want to get through these people and their accessories and into the center of the train, in order to try to get close to the next person who gets up. Most of the doorway hoggers are as movable as the Rock of Gibraltar, which doesn’t make this easy.

To effectively plough your way through this obstacle, it is necessary to perfect The New York Excuse Me.

We have all been taught to say, “Excuse me,” when we are asking someone to move over and make room. The New York Excuse Me is a little different, though. It is hard to describe to someone who has never heard it, but to achieve it you have to do the following:

• Say it loud.
• Speak it in the nose, to give it even more punch.
• Use a sarcastic, sing-song voice.

This is ingenious. Even though you are saying the right polite words, the clear message is, “Get out of my way, you fucking morons.” If anyone dares to say anything you can put on an innocent look and say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought I said, ‘Excuse me.’” Clever, huh?

Once you have gotten through the obstacle course by the door, it is imperative to look over all seated passengers to determine who might be getting off soon. There are some rough guidelines that you can follow to make this less like an exercise in ESP:

• Ignore the sleepers. They are probably in for the long haul.[2]
• Book readers won’t be getting off at the next stop, or even the one after that. Kindle readers fall into this annoying category, too. The same goes for video game players and texters. Keep an eye on all of them, but don’t expect much.
• If you do spot someone putting a book, Kindle or iPod away, maneuver yourself as close to them as possible (even if they are over on the other side of the train) and be ready to plop down the minute they get up.
• Don’t take a seat out from under a pregnant woman, a blind person or someone on crutches. Leave that behavior to the douche bags.
• You are free to glare at the woman with the two toddlers and the baby carriage who has taken up two extra seats by placing her little imps in them. There is a good chance that they will all be getting off soon, though, so keep an eye on them.
• The person who keeps looking out the window to see which stop the train has reached is a pretty good bet. Either that or he is on the wrong train. In that case, it is only right to help the poor jerk out, hoping that he will actually understand your directions and those of the two or three other people who are giving him directions at the same time.

If you think you have spotted a good prospect, inch your way over and stand close enough to grab the seat the second it becomes empty. Maybe your prospect will get up. It is just as likely, though, that someone nearby will be the first to rise. That situation requires quick thinking and deft maneuvering to get yourself into an advantageous position to grab a place to rest your butt for the rest of your trip.

If all of your efforts have failed, try looking tired and pathetic. That only works sometimes, but sometimes is better than never.

NOTE: If you are too fat to fit into a space, don’t try to squeeze in. That’s like trying to stuff a rhinoceros into a dog carrier. The people on either side of you are going to get pissed, and you don’t want to piss off two New York subway riders at the same time if you value your life as you know it.

You now have the benefit of my hard-learned knowledge. You are welcome to try it. Disclaimer: You’re on your own. If you get in trouble, don’t blame me.