What Would Heathcliff Buy?

Have you ever wondered what kinds of things our favorite fictional characters would have on their shopping and to-do lists? Neither have I.

Now that the subject has come up, though, we might as well take a few peeks. If you are like me and have no life, this will help pass the time until Law and Order comes on.


1. A copy of ”How to Avoid Ghosts and Other Paranormal Fun” by Donna Cavanagh
2. A pocketful of pebbles to throw at carolers
3. More trash bags to stuff with money


1. Fifty spools of red embroidery thread
2. One pair of sturdy walking shoes, suitable for climbing scaffolds and taking walks in the woods
3. Pest spray effective against evil-minded husbands and weak-willed, deadbeat dad boyfriends


1. A three-month supply of Prozac
2. A tattoo (on chest?) which says “Heath & Cathy Forever”
3. Anger management classes


1. A book of Italian surnames and their meanings
2. Instructions on how to survive a self-induced, temporary coma
3. “How to Grow Up Normally When You Come From a Family of Maniacs” by Dr. Sy Cobabbel


1. A Mothers’ Day card to give to himself
2. “Cross-Dressing for Fun and Fulfillment” by T. Vestito
3. One large bottle of bleach and a strong mop for cleaning bathroom walls and staircases

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6 thoughts on “What Would Heathcliff Buy?”

  1. I’m impressed you did this funny post while waiting for Law and Order to come on. I usually raid the frig and stuff my face. 😉

    1. I do that, too. 😀

      Actually, I wasn’t even home when I wrote this. I did this in a place where I had to sandwich it in between other activities. Writers always say that you need quiet and solitude to write effectively. In the case of knocking off short funny pieces, though, I have learned to do this while being subjected to all kinds of distractions. In fact, when I get a chance to write in silence and solitude, it often feels weird.

  2. I reckon, Norman Bates might employ someone to clean bathroom walls and staircases and he might love this person, like he loved his mother!

    1. By this we mean that the cleaning person just might end up in the fruit cellar whenever company comes around!

  3. And to add to Norman Bates purhases – one of those infrared lightst that the Law&Order people use to detect if any blood was left behind! I like Heathcliff’s too! Very funny Kathy and thanks for the plug!

    1. Thanks for the suggestion. I would pass it on to Norman Bates, but that would be hard, since he doesn’t actually exist. 😉

      I think Catherine is crazy for turning Heathcliff down, but I am an incurable romantic. I love the part where she says, “I am Heathcliff.” Ooh! Goosebumps!

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