All Things Considered, Most Israelis Prefer Hawaii Over Holy Land

Polls conducted by an Israeli research company overwhelmingly show that almost 90% of current Israeli citizens would have preferred Hawaii over their current homeland if they were able to go back in time and choose again.

Just after World War II, when the great extent of the atrocities of the Holocaust were coming to light, plans for a Jewish state gained sufficient support to make it virtually a foregone conclusion. Land choices targeted for this new state were either the holy regions of Palestine or the territory of Hawaii, offered by the United States. Thus began a great struggle in the international Jewish community between the Zionists and the Hawaiianists. In the end, the Zionists prevailed in carving the new state of Israel from Palestine.

Many Israeli citizens are unaware of this portion of their history. It is a subject which is not covered in depth in either Israeli or United States education systems. Most citizens, upon learning the details of the 1940s land choice that governed their nation’s formation, expressed dismay and stated that they would have certainly picked Hawaii if given the choice again.

“What the hell? Are you serious? Have you seen Hawaii? It’s awesome! And take a look at this dump. Lots of rocks and a bunch of friggin’ sand. Yeah, this was the right choice! I’m extremely disappointed,” said one Nazareth woman.

“Sure this land is supposed to be holy, but come on! That stuff happened a long time ago. Look around! We’re talking about Hawaii! Palm trees, warm breezes, beaches. And best of all, no one tries to blow you up. We could have just visited here. I don’t even know why we fight over this. This place sucks!” exclaimed another.

“Hawaii? Unbelievable. I guess we truly are God’s chosen people. Unfortunately he’s chosen us to suffer. Makes us strong, I suppose,” lamented a Jerusalem teen.

A spokesman for the White House says that Hawaii is no longer available for the establishment of a Jewish homeland.