Dear Auto-Correct, | HumorOutcasts

Dear Auto-Correct,

June 25, 2013
photo credit: a.drian via photopin cc

photo credit: a.drian via photopin cc

Dear Auto-Correct,

I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to let you know the way the kids are doing it these days.  I’m going to write it on the interwebs.

No, please don’t try to guess what I’m going to say; that’s kind of the problem.  You always try to finish my thoughts and sentences and it’s getting a little annoying.

Do you think I don’t know what I want to say?  I know myself fairly well and I know what I want.  I’m independent that way (or as you try to put it “node orbs”).

You’re too needy.  I don’t like how you hang on my every word…and then change them.

You don’t know me best, despite your large vocabulary.  Trying to guess what I’m going to say before I say it really stresses me out.

No, it doesn’t tress me out.  Why would I say I’m tresses out?  Why would you change it to tresses?  Don’t you know that making that change in itself tresses me out?

Of course you don’t, because you’re a know-it-all.  You think you know everything I’m thinking before I say it.  Sometimes you’re wrong.

photo credit: TerranceDC via photopin cc

photo credit: TerranceDC via photopin cc

As long as we’re on this topic,  are you trying to send me subliminal messages about my weight?  Sometimes I try to talk about my friends but you change “friends” to “fitness.”

Not cool, AC, not cool at all.

I don’t want to have to do this, but we may have to disconnect.  I may just have to turn you off.

I don’t want to do that, but it might come to that.

Unless…well…I’ll give you one more chance, but you’ve got to change your ways.

You need to realize you don’t know everything, and sometimes I just want to say what I want, how I want.

You need to stop being so needy.  Sometimes, I don’t want you to fix it. Sometimes I just want you to listen and fix me a drink instead.



Lisa Newlin

Lisa is a humor writer who plays an unconvincing lawyer in year life. She prefers dogs to most people, and food over most everything. Her blog, will make you feel better about your own life. It will also remind you that vodka is the answer to everything. (Except if the question is "What should I throw on this fire?" Then the answer is definitely NOT vodka.) She is also a co-author of the bestselling humor books, "I Just Want to Be Alone" and "'You've Got Lipstick On Your Teeth,' And Other Things Only Heard From Your Friends In The Powder Room." You should buy them immediately on

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18 Responses to Dear Auto-Correct,

  1. June 26, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    Hey, Pizza
    Another grape post! I done knot how IOU cab brute every day and stay so consistently rummy! kelp up tar wood work!

    • June 26, 2013 at 9:34 pm

      STOP IT! You made me laugh out loud with this comment! And is it sad I totally could understand everything you wrote?

      Yeah, it’s pretty sad. Thanks for reading and commenting!

  2. June 26, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    I think auto-correct enjoys making us look stupid.

    • June 26, 2013 at 9:35 pm

      I couldn’t agree more. Maybe Auto-correct is an abuser who enjoys putting us down to make himself look good? I think we just nailed it!

  3. June 26, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Funny post! Auto-type must be stopped!

    • June 26, 2013 at 9:43 pm

      Thanks for commenting! I also think Auto-Correct must be stopped. He is just too cocky and needs to be brought down a notch or two. We should all unite against him!

  4. June 26, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    The most challenging thing I find with AC is swear words – it’s probably good to be honest that it doesn’t let you swear, because either:
    1) You stop swearing in your texts, or;
    2) You add the swear word into the smartphones dictionary, and then it happily suggests the swear word whenever your parents attempt to use your phone to send a text


    • June 26, 2013 at 9:43 pm

      I am DEFINITELY not going to stop swearing in my texts! I’ll just take a very important lesson from your unfortunate experience and never let my parents use my phone to text.

      That seems a lot easier than having to change duck and ship. I’m lazy that way.

      Thanks for the life lesson about AC and allowing parents to use your phone. 🙂

  5. June 26, 2013 at 7:29 am

    I do get this! I try and write a text quickly and what was delivered was totally not my important message. Very frustrating! And very funny!

    • June 26, 2013 at 9:44 pm

      I do the same thing, and I never read it before I send it. I then almost always have to send a follow up text decoding what I just sent and apologizing for being an idiot.

      It’s how you know the text is really from me and not an imposter.

  6. June 26, 2013 at 6:38 am

    Love this! Thanks for getting my day started with a smile!

    • June 26, 2013 at 9:40 pm

      I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading and commenting, or as AC would say, fjeiwfo feijwojfwe deewhhwwh hwehh wehioqho.

  7. June 26, 2013 at 3:12 am

    I’m still traumatized by the time I was trying to type “lunch meat” into my iphone and it kept coming out “lynch meat”. that doesn’t make sense. at all. who eats lynch meat? not me. no way.

    • June 26, 2013 at 9:37 pm

      Maybe your auto-correct is really old, and he remembers back in the day when people were super poor and they had to eat what they could get. Maybe he’s from the Depression era?

      Maybe he’s just really into recycling and figures if someone is lynched, why not make a meal of it? Kind of like when life gives you lemons…..

      Either that, or you’ve written lynch another time and AC is on to you…:-)

  8. June 26, 2013 at 1:25 am

    I hate auto correct!! You would think it would know by now that when I type dumbass that I do NOT want dumbs. I just had to fix that twice to comment. Asshole AC.

    • June 26, 2013 at 9:41 pm

      It switches it to dumbs?! That’s isn’t even a word! What the frick, AC?

  9. June 26, 2013 at 1:22 am

    I’m always yelling at poor A.C.—“If I wanted it to say that I woul have typed it!” and then other times “How could you not see that was an error!” But hey I’m hard to please and change my mind at will cause as the song says “It’s my prerogative!” ((Just so you no AC wanted me to say preoperative there))

    • June 26, 2013 at 9:38 pm


      It sounds to me like you’re being awfully defensive of AC. Are you an AC sympathizer?


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