How Not to Run Out of Money in Retirement: Tips from a Non-Financial Expert

By: Rich Young

Today, I saw a headline on my news feed “How Not To Run Out of Money in Retirement”. The article made suggestions such as saving (duh), paying off your house, not using credit cards (again, duh) and of course, enrolling in IRAs, 401Ks, etc. However, more and more people are using Key’s equity release calculator to find out home much money they could be paid out for part of their home price. You might be one the lucky ones, who knows you might have a ton of money tied up in your home, and then you’ll have oodles of cash to spare. Well, not being a financial genius, I have come up with my own practical solutions for NOT running out of money in retirement. I hope my advice helps and if it does, call CNBC and give them my name and email. Thanks so much!

How NOT to Run Out of money in Retirement:

1. Die before retirement. The younger you go, the less money you need.

2. Make sure your spouse or special someone has oodles and oodles of life insurance and you are the only beneficiary. At least do some research into retirement homes. Somewhere like Immanuel would be helpful so you know you will be able to get some help, maybe the insurance can pay for it.

3. Don’t sign a pre-nup. After a divorce, there is no guarantee that you will dupe ( I mean fall in love with) someone into marrying you, so don’t dry up your gravy train. Live in a community property state and take your half as quickly as you can. If one marriage does not provide the funds to give you a life of leisure in your retirement years, you might have to resort to several spouses. If you are unsure how to do this, consult movies on Lifetime or shows such as Happily Never After or Who the (BLEEP) Did I Marry? on the ID Network.

4. Win the lottery. I know the odds are stacked against you, but someone has to win, so it might as well be you.

5. Fake an accident and sue someone. Sure, a slip and fall might give you a big boo boo, but what’s a broken leg or arm compared to the decades of tax-free money you will get if you hire a really good ambulance-chasing lawyer.

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10 thoughts on “How Not to Run Out of Money in Retirement: Tips from a Non-Financial Expert”

  1. This idea of working all of your life so you don’t have to work in later life, as your body slows down and refuses to let you work as you once did, is strange to say the least. Can we all go away and reflect on this?

    Now repeat after me “I must give Bill Y my lottery winnings”.

  2. Too late for numbers 1, 2, and 3! I’m already retired, divorced, and broke, because I married somebody who was as negatively “wealthy” as I was. I can try for 4, but that would mean I would have to actually buy a lottery ticket, and without the funds to do so, I can’t imagine I will ever win. Number 5? Hmm…with my luck I’d get caught on video faking my fall and get sued. Great advice though 😉

      1. You watch the ID channel, too? I knew there was something I liked about you! 😉

        Kathy, who has the ID channel going right now.

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