After consulting with several other boys his age, local boy Christopher Jones has determined that although Santa brought him a nice haul of presents this Christmas, the big fat jolly man seems to be kind of a dickhead.
His Muslim friend Abdul did not receive a visit from Santa and therefore did not receive any gifts.
His Hindu friend Adeep did not receive a visit from Santa and therefore did not receive any gifts.
His Jewish friend Max did not receive a visit from Santa and therefore did not receive any gifts. Though he did get to light a multi-sticked candle and eat stale bread.
His less well-off friend Billy is not sure if he received a visit from Santa. Unless, he said, Santa usually “comes in and wraps socks you already own and puts them under the tree.” Plus, he noticed his parents buying gifts at the mall to give to underprivileged kids as well.
When he told his mother that Santa was kind of rude for not visiting non-Christians or poor kids, she said that he only comes to kids who believe in him. And he won’t come first. You have to believe first. Then he comes.
“So if you aren’t Christian and rich,” Christopher figured, “he doesn’t really want anything to do with you. Hmmm. And a red suit, too. I get it now. Santa is a Republican!”