Last week I returned to the work force for the first time in years. I’m not going to lie: It’s taking some adjustment. After years of being able to sleep when I want, get up when I want, eat when I want, and come and go as I please, it’s disconcerting to be on a schedule again. For the last few years, the most pressure I had in my life was worrying I might oversleep and miss my nap. I loved not working. It’s the whole being-broke-and-not-able-to-pay-my-bills-and-maybe-end-up-homeless thing I wasn’t crazy about.
My new job is working as a VOD (that’s video on demand for those who are wondering) Coordinator for an adult entertainment company. As someone whose last few jobs were in children’s television, it has been quite a strange transition. As I like to crudely put it, I have gone from kiddies to titties.
One of my responsibilities at my new job is watching the adult programs to make sure their quality is acceptable. This includes making sure they have closed-captioning. I find this quite baffling. I mean does anyone—even the hearing impaired—really care what the actors are saying? And what exactly do subtitles for porn movies say? Moan, moan, oh god, moan, moan, yes, yes, moan, moan?
Having to get back to the habits of normal people has also been difficult for me. For instance, I have to shower every day now. Every freaking day. What am I? The fountain at the Bellagio? My dog, Gregory, is upset that his former stay at home dad has to leave him everyday. Yes, I know lots of dogs are home alone all day while their parents are at work but you try saying goodbye to this face every morning without feeling like a heel:
Even my couch is upset that I’m working again. Every day it’s “Mario, why are you not napping on me anymore? Where do you go everyday? Am I not comfortable anymore? Do I not make you happy anymore? Are you cheating on me with a La-Z-Boy?” How do you cushion the blow of something that is actually a cushion?
I’ll tell ya: It’s not easy being a working stiff.