The Best Atypical Valentine’s Day Gifts

Ah, Valentine’s Day… a time of romance, love and maxing out credit cards which were already stressed from the Holiday shopping season. But, as many of you know, each year, this reporter researches and finds some atypical Valentine’s Day gifts that might not warm your loved one’s heart, but they will surely get their attention.  My motto: If you have to spend for this made up holiday, you might as well spend with originality and flair.  Sure, roses, candy and Hallmark cards are staples, but let’s face it—they can be boring and overpriced. So, below are some alternative gifts for men, women, couples, whoever:

 

Bacon-scented Shaving Cream

I kid you not. Your man dabs on this shaving cream and removes his stubble but what remains is the fresh smell of smoked meat.  While men in his office or place of work will flock to him like men do to all cured meat (it’s a comfort smell thing), the jury is out on the effect on women. Also, an important point to consider:  This is not a good gift for anyone who has meat-loving pets or plans to take walks in areas where dogs,lions,tigers, bears or sharks might congregate.  The risks far outweigh the nifty comfort smell, so approach this product with caution.

 

Fundies or Undies for Two:

Contrary to this product’s name, I don’t see anything Fun in Fundies.  What is a Fundie? It is underwear for two. Yes, both you and your partner share underwear so you can feel cozy and close to each other.  Personally, I will share no underwear with a man. Way too much stuff goes on in the underwear of men for me to feel cozy about. That is why men’s underwear has a lifespan of one year – from one Christmas to the next.  With that track record, how many women want to jump into a shared pair of man/girl panties?

 

 A Hand Snuggie for Two:

 The romantic in me thought this was a good idea. It’s a mitten; it’s a snuggie; it’s a Smitten.  Actually, I don’t know what the real name for this product is but it’s a shared mitten. If you don’t want to share space for your private parts, you can share a mitten and it tells the world how truly committed you are.  Okay, if you are a guy, the Smitten might get you thrown out of the testosterone club when your friends see you wearing it, but it’s a sweet gesture for a walk around the block when it’s completely dark out  or just a snuggle session in your house. It’s not that expensive and it’s romantic and cute and handmade. What more can you ask for?

 

 Sex Checks:

 

Sex checks are another version of the homemade “Hug” coupons or romantic coupons that required one person in the relationship to give their significant other a well-deserved break from a bad day. The coupons usually included a warm hug, a date for a dinner and movie or a foot massage.   The sex checks go a little further than the foot massage. While a little bawdier, this reporter can see their value.  Caution: While it might be a lot of fun to cash these puppies in, you might want to couple these checks with something that expresses love and not just lust.  This is where a bauble from Kay Jewelers might come in handy for lust without love is a recipe for a Valentine’s Day disaster.

 

Sperm Cell plush Toy: 

Yes, nothing is more adorable than a stuffed animal for your special someone on Valentine’s Day unless that stuffed animal is in the shape of a sperm.  I will admit that this reporter is not sure what the message is when one either gives or receives a sperm toy. It could be:

I love sperm

Or

I have great swimmers, let’s make a kid

OR

I see you for who you are, so put it in a cup and let’s fertilize my egg

OR

In a few months and after my operation, I will have my own sperm

 

So many possibilities… and if you want truly romantic, you can get the sperm and ovum plush toys together.  Caution: If you give these two stuffed “animals” together, you have just proposed. So, either have a ring to go with it or don’t give this gift.

 

 

 

Name a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach at the Bronx Zoo after your love:

To me, nothing says romance less than paying to name a gross bug after the one you love.  Cockroaches are the bane of humanity everywhere and until bedbugs came back on the scene, they were the most hated insect around. So why, why would anyone want a crusty, icky, disgusting bug named after them?  Well, the naming donation does go to conservation and the preservation of this species, so that is a good thing. And if you are a bug family, this reporter does see the value in this gift. However, if you are not into bugs, there are better naming gifts you can buy: You can name a star after your beloved; you can name a puppy or goldfish after your true love; you can even name the child of your mistress after your better half. All are equally good suggestions. Another problem with the bug gift: The bugs are at the Bronx Zoo which is great if you live in NYC, but if you are in California, how are you supposed to know if there truly is a cockroach with your name on it? Do they send you pictures and updates on its progress like the Save-the-Children people. I may be a bigot, but I am not wasting a refrigerator magnet posting a photo of a big disgusting bug.

Anyway, I hope my gift ideas helped you all out. I am sure that next year, more fun options will be available.  Enjoy your Valentine’s Day shopping!