Me: "Brush your teeth."
3-year-old: *lowers her heart-shaped sunglasses* "I can’t, daddy. I’m too busy being cool."
I know when I’ve lost.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2013
Using profanity doesn’t prove you have a small mind, but being offended by it does. Simmer down, mother fucker.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2013
Separately, both salt and water are vital for human life, yet drinking saltwater is fatal. Let’s all stop pretending science makes sense.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2013
Me: “I’m so disappointed in myself”
My mom: “Cheer up, dear. I promise I’m more disappointed in you than you’ll ever be”
I feel the love.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2013
Infant monkeys have the dexterity to swing from trees. My 1 y.o. threw a fit b/c her hand got caught in her sleeve. We’re evolving backward.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2013