I have friends who walk anywhere that’s less than two miles from their house. If I could, I’d drive from my living room to my kitchen.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2013
“I cherish our friendship” is woman-speak for “I’d rather masturbate with a cactus than have sex with you.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2013
I told a lady at work I like how she hums when she pees & suddenly the police are involved. Some people don’t know how to take a compliment.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2013
It’s amazing how easily I can be bribed by sex. Or nachos. Or the chance to take a nap. My integrity is up for sale to the lowest bidder.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2013
I didn’t have 10 seconds to wash silverware, so I used a plastic fork once & dumped it in a landfill for a million years. What a time saver
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2013
Thanks for bringing on a craving of nachos at 11:00pm… where do I get nachos this late?
And if you could drive from your living room to your kitchen, would you stop for a doughnut along the way?
Unless I could rig up a conveyor belt to bring the doughnut to me while I sit on the couch. Driving is a lot of work.
I know what you mean. I am so ambitious when it comes to improving my laziness.