Me: Let’s go to a photographer
3: I’m scared of tigers
M: I said "photographer." He takes pictures
3: Don't let a tiger take my picture
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2013
Wife: Beer is on sale. Do you want-
Me: GET IN THE CAR
*drives to the store*
*fills car with beer*
*makes wife ride home on the roof*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2013
Wife: Is it OK if my friends stay with us this weekend?
Me: Sure. Just give me one second.
*fakes death*
*starts new life in Mexico*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2013
3-year-old: Why?
Me: *answers*
3: Why?
M: *answers*
3: Why?
M: BECAUSE I SAID SO
I owe my parents an apology for ever being a toddler.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2013
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 22, 2013
