10 Misconceptions of Christmas | HumorOutcasts

10 Misconceptions of Christmas

December 12, 2014
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Misconception Number 1: Mommy is dying to put up all the decorations by herself.

This is a common misconception. I know this because as soon as you open the box with the Christmas train in it, or our nativity that features “Veggie Tales” wise men and “Pooh Bear” Jesus, I never see you again.

You’re supposed to help me! There’s supposed to be hot chocolate with marshmallows, a stew simmering in kitchen and Christmas carols playing on the radio. Instead, Jesus is taking a ride on Barbies convertible, your brother is trying to shoot all the ornaments off the tree with a Nerf gun and your sister is crying because…well, because of anything really.

Misconception Number 2: Mommy likes all those Christmas traditions.

I have no idea why I even do half of the traditions we do. I think it’s because Grandmom did them and she’s still alive- so I have to keep them going. We’re Italian and if we don’t have those disgusting nougat Torrone candies on the hutch at Christmas time, I’m pretty sure she’ll die. I’ve never seen anyone actually EVER eat one of those…but they have to be there or Christmas will end.

We also used to do the ‘Seven fishes’ when your Great Grandmom was around but it’s so much work. I don’t know how she did it!! Slowly, your Grandmom has reduced the number of fish and is replacing them with items that fish “may have seen from the ocean” like olives or a chicken. I want you to have a sense of tradition and Italian heritage but we can just eat a lot of pasta and yell at each other while drinking eggnog. It’s like the same thing.

Misconception Number 3: Mommy loves that freakin’ Elf.

Whoever made that ‘Elf’ hates moms…not dads. Dads don’t “play” with that Elf. They could give a crap about that Elf.
I’ve had nights where I finally get everything done for the night and enjoy a nice nightcap in bed only to remember that freakin’ Elf hasn’t moved. Now, I have to get my drunk-ass up and “play” with him. I can’t remember where he is, so I get to play my own drunk game of “Find the Freakin’ Elf.” Then, I trip around the living room in the dark, step on “Pooh Bear Jesus” and curse under my breath because I can’t wake anyone up. Sometimes I feel like a drug dealer.

Misconception Number 4: Mommy likes singing Christmas Carols 24/7.

I do enjoy the carols. I won’t deny that. But let’s call a spade a spade. I only sing them at the top of my lungs because this is my season to shine. The rest of the year, I can barely understand most of the lyrics in any of today’s’ songs. I know I sound like Grandmom, and that’s upsetting, but I honestly just make up most of the words especially anything that features Arianna Grande. She seems nice but she could use more clothes and maybe some pronunciation classes.

Give me a little “All I want for Christmas is you”, or “Rockin’ around the Christmas Tree” and I’m golden. Don’t even get me started on “The little drummer boy!” I will sing that “rump, pa, pa, pum” at the top of my lungs till the cows come home. I love it. Leave me alone.

Misconception Number 5: Mommy can’t wait to get all your winter gear together.

I seriously stay up at night thinking about how you will possibly stay alive this winter. You are constantly growing and I’m positive nothing is going to fit you this season! If Christmas is coming, so is the snow.
Last year, I bought rain boots from LL Bean, only because they were on sale for $15 and I made your brother wear them throughout the winter because snow boots cost too much money. Luckily, he didn’t seem to care when I told him he was wearing “lady boots” in the snow. He just wanted to play outside and it builds character to wear women’s boots as a 14 year-old boy.
I love you and I would like you to live, but winter clothes are expensive. Can’t you just shop the lost and found at school? Those kids aren’t coming back for their stuff. Help mommy out.

Misconception Number 6: Mommy likes wrapping all the presents.

Mommy hates wrapping presents. I can’t even stand buying presents anymore! Forget trying to find the perfect present for that special someone, I’m just trying to find something on sale or a present that comes free with my make-up purchase at the mall.
I don’t think I would mind wrapping the presents if I actually got some help picking out the presents or carrying the presents or getting the wrapping paper. I’d ask Daddy to help me wrap, but I think his arms are broken, which is sad because I also think he was born with no hip joints, since he can’t bend over and put anything in the dishwasher. It would be wrong to burden him with wrapping presents when he is obviously struggling physically.

Misconception Number 7: Mommy can’t wait for the whole family to visit.

This is a joke, right?

Misconception Number 8: Mommy loves to stay up until 2 a.m. watching you wait for Santa.

Please go to bed. Seriously. I’m so tired. My eyes are going to start bleeding. You won’t see anything tonight. No Santa. No Reindeer. He’s too good at this and you’re a rookie. In fact, if you go to bed earlier Santa will leave you more presents and mommy won’t want to punch anyone in the morning.

Misconception Number 9: Mommy loves whatever presents Daddy gives her.

Yes, I love the water foot massager that Daddy gave me. I also loved the size 16 dress he bought me. I’ll love wearing it after I’m done with my annoying size 8 clothes. How did he figure out that I would love a “New Kids on the Block T-shirt“ or that gift certificate to “Game Stop?” It’s like he’s reading my mind. We are so connected. I love him and we are not getting divorced.

Misconception Number 10: Mommy doesn’t have a drinking problem.

Mommy doesn’t have a drinking problem. Jesus wants us to celebrate his birth with wine. That’s why we do it every week at Mass. It was actually Jesus’ idea.

I love you. Merry Christmas.

Mom

To check out Dena’s other books click here.

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Dena Blizzard

Dena’s been featured in the NY times and has performed in clubs throughout the country from Gotham Comedy Club in New York to The Comedy Stop in Las Vegas. She’s also performed at the New York Friars Club, Catch a Rising Star and the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles. She can also add the United Nations to her list of credits where she performed in 2008 with the Comedy Cure Foundation. Dena also produces and stars in her own one-woman show “One Funny Mother: I’m Not Crazy!!” that incorporates her stories and antics into a multi-media stage show that’s touring nationally. Her comedy has landed her on both sides of the small screen as well. She co-hosted PBS’ “Real Simple TV”, a lifestyle show based on Real Simple Magazine. She had the great privilege of being the audience warm-up comedian for both Emeril Lagasse’s “Emeril Live” and Paula Deen’s “Paula’s Party” on the Food Network. Beginning in the summer of 2010, Dena was an on-air correspondent and audience warm-up for both “The Nate Berkus Show”, a syndicated talk show produced by Oprah’s Harpo Productions, and the Anderson Cooper syndicated series, “Anderson Live.” In addition she hosted TNT’s Red Carpet Arrival Show and the live studio audience finale of “The Apprentice” on NBC. Dena’s star is rising as comedian, as well as a writer. This past summer she launched her web series, “One Funny Mother”, on her website www.onefunnymother.com where she writes, produces and stars in inappropriate videos about parenting that are sure to put her kids in therapy. Her writings, which are a hilarious spin on Motherhood have been picked up by national publications and Yahoo Shine. Recently, Dena hosted the preliminary competitions of the 2013 Miss America Pageant and served as a correspondent on its Live ABC Broadcast.

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5 Responses to 10 Misconceptions of Christmas

  1. December 13, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    “Please go to bed. Seriously. I’m so tired.” Still living that one.

  2. December 13, 2014 at 10:02 am

    Thanks, Donna, for introducing me to Dena, and thanks, Dena for your funny holiday riff. Though my kids are grown and gone, I haven’t forgotten the annual drill, doing the lion’s share of shopping/baking/decorating. Laughed out loud at, “those disgusting nougat Torrone candies on the hutch.” (Yeah, they are disgusting.) I may be stoned for saying this, but I’ve never met a candy cane that I liked. Same for fruitcake. Yuck. Happy Holidays!

  3. December 12, 2014 at 9:02 pm

    My favorite is #6 – reading it, not living it….

  4. December 12, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    I say you have the elf rubbed out. If you don’t know someone, I’m sure we can find someone.

  5. December 12, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    Hee.



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