Misconception Number 1: Mommy is dying to put up all the decorations by herself.
This is a common misconception. I know this because as soon as you open the box with the Christmas train in it, or our nativity that features “Veggie Tales” wise men and “Pooh Bear” Jesus, I never see you again.
You’re supposed to help me! There’s supposed to be hot chocolate with marshmallows, a stew simmering in kitchen and Christmas carols playing on the radio. Instead, Jesus is taking a ride on Barbies convertible, your brother is trying to shoot all the ornaments off the tree with a Nerf gun and your sister is crying because…well, because of anything really.
Misconception Number 2: Mommy likes all those Christmas traditions.
I have no idea why I even do half of the traditions we do. I think it’s because Grandmom did them and she’s still alive- so I have to keep them going. We’re Italian and if we don’t have those disgusting nougat Torrone candies on the hutch at Christmas time, I’m pretty sure she’ll die. I’ve never seen anyone actually EVER eat one of those…but they have to be there or Christmas will end.
We also used to do the ‘Seven fishes’ when your Great Grandmom was around but it’s so much work. I don’t know how she did it!! Slowly, your Grandmom has reduced the number of fish and is replacing them with items that fish “may have seen from the ocean” like olives or a chicken. I want you to have a sense of tradition and Italian heritage but we can just eat a lot of pasta and yell at each other while drinking eggnog. It’s like the same thing.
Misconception Number 3: Mommy loves that freakin’ Elf.
Whoever made that ‘Elf’ hates moms…not dads. Dads don’t “play” with that Elf. They could give a crap about that Elf.
I’ve had nights where I finally get everything done for the night and enjoy a nice nightcap in bed only to remember that freakin’ Elf hasn’t moved. Now, I have to get my drunk-ass up and “play” with him. I can’t remember where he is, so I get to play my own drunk game of “Find the Freakin’ Elf.” Then, I trip around the living room in the dark, step on “Pooh Bear Jesus” and curse under my breath because I can’t wake anyone up. Sometimes I feel like a drug dealer.
Misconception Number 4: Mommy likes singing Christmas Carols 24/7.
I do enjoy the carols. I won’t deny that. But let’s call a spade a spade. I only sing them at the top of my lungs because this is my season to shine. The rest of the year, I can barely understand most of the lyrics in any of today’s’ songs. I know I sound like Grandmom, and that’s upsetting, but I honestly just make up most of the words especially anything that features Arianna Grande. She seems nice but she could use more clothes and maybe some pronunciation classes.
Give me a little “All I want for Christmas is you”, or “Rockin’ around the Christmas Tree” and I’m golden. Don’t even get me started on “The little drummer boy!” I will sing that “rump, pa, pa, pum” at the top of my lungs till the cows come home. I love it. Leave me alone.
Misconception Number 5: Mommy can’t wait to get all your winter gear together.
I seriously stay up at night thinking about how you will possibly stay alive this winter. You are constantly growing and I’m positive nothing is going to fit you this season! If Christmas is coming, so is the snow.
Last year, I bought rain boots from LL Bean, only because they were on sale for $15 and I made your brother wear them throughout the winter because snow boots cost too much money. Luckily, he didn’t seem to care when I told him he was wearing “lady boots” in the snow. He just wanted to play outside and it builds character to wear women’s boots as a 14 year-old boy.
I love you and I would like you to live, but winter clothes are expensive. Can’t you just shop the lost and found at school? Those kids aren’t coming back for their stuff. Help mommy out.
Misconception Number 6: Mommy likes wrapping all the presents.
Mommy hates wrapping presents. I can’t even stand buying presents anymore! Forget trying to find the perfect present for that special someone, I’m just trying to find something on sale or a present that comes free with my make-up purchase at the mall.
I don’t think I would mind wrapping the presents if I actually got some help picking out the presents or carrying the presents or getting the wrapping paper. I’d ask Daddy to help me wrap, but I think his arms are broken, which is sad because I also think he was born with no hip joints, since he can’t bend over and put anything in the dishwasher. It would be wrong to burden him with wrapping presents when he is obviously struggling physically.
Misconception Number 7: Mommy can’t wait for the whole family to visit.
This is a joke, right?
Misconception Number 8: Mommy loves to stay up until 2 a.m. watching you wait for Santa.
Please go to bed. Seriously. I’m so tired. My eyes are going to start bleeding. You won’t see anything tonight. No Santa. No Reindeer. He’s too good at this and you’re a rookie. In fact, if you go to bed earlier Santa will leave you more presents and mommy won’t want to punch anyone in the morning.
Misconception Number 9: Mommy loves whatever presents Daddy gives her.
Yes, I love the water foot massager that Daddy gave me. I also loved the size 16 dress he bought me. I’ll love wearing it after I’m done with my annoying size 8 clothes. How did he figure out that I would love a “New Kids on the Block T-shirt“ or that gift certificate to “Game Stop?” It’s like he’s reading my mind. We are so connected. I love him and we are not getting divorced.
Misconception Number 10: Mommy doesn’t have a drinking problem.
Mommy doesn’t have a drinking problem. Jesus wants us to celebrate his birth with wine. That’s why we do it every week at Mass. It was actually Jesus’ idea.
I love you. Merry Christmas.
To check out Dena’s other books click here.
To see videos from Dena click here.
Follow Dena on Twitter @OneFunnyMother
Find Dena on Facebook One Funny Mother
Sign up for Dena’s newsletter to find out when “One Funny Mother: I’m Not Crazy!!” will be in your area
Visit her website at onefunnymother.com