A Glimpse Of What’s Ahead | HumorOutcasts

A Glimpse Of What’s Ahead

April 21, 2014


National elections are closing in. So it’s time for politicians to try to connect by relating all the struggles they’ve overcome. So here’s what I’d love to see. I’d give anything to have a candidate who was born with just a head. Nothing else, just a head. And his or her stump speech would go something like this:

“I remember the day I was born. In the deliver room my mother, who worked five jobs to feed and house us, shouted “Why was that so easy?” Yup, that’s me, easy to get along with. I grew up attending a one-room school in rural Nebraska. We didn’t have bus service so I rolled to school. Which isn’t easy when it’s uphill both ways. But I refused to let that get to me. I endured.

In school I was known as a very unselfish kid. I built a reputation for being a real team-player. Here’s an example: One night some punks stole the tetherball from the school playground. The pole and the rope were still there, but the ball you swatted was gone. So I rolled up to the other kids and said “Here, just use me.”

I excelled in my studies and graduated head of my class.

Off to college I went. Not to brag, but in college I was quite the athlete. I was captain of the bowling team and I set many collegiate records in that sport. I also worked two restaurant jobs to pay for college. I was a very hard worker. At both jobs I was promoted to Head Waiter.

Law school was tough. At one point I almost dropped out, but I refused to give up. Some people said I was stubborn, but I preferred to think of myself as being headstrong. I graduated near the top of my class there as well.

Some of you probably heard that I fell off the stage while speaking at my last rally. But I bounced back. That’s just how I operate. One quick story before I close: At that rally an undecided voter approached me and said “I’m sick of these clowns. What we need in DC is a politician who knows how to use their head.” And I replied “What the hell do you think I’ve been doing all my life?”

Thomas Sullivan

Thomas Sullivan is the author of So Much Time, So Little Change (a book of essays published by Wayman Publishing). It is available at Amazon in print and Kindle. Thomas lives in Seattle.

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6 Responses to A Glimpse Of What’s Ahead

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    April 23, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    I wasn’t even close to being the athlete you were in college. In law school, I fought but the law won on few occasions.

  2. April 22, 2014 at 5:31 am

    So many people who do make it to Washington have heads, but there’s nothing in them …

  3. April 21, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    I love stories of courage and determination. Who knew someone with a head could accomplish so much!

  4. April 21, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    Ohhh boy. You’re gonna get some flack off this post. All those people out there without bodies are going to be sending you shitty, dictated letters full of contempt and heady expletives.

    • April 21, 2014 at 7:46 pm

      I’m wearing shin guards for a while, just in case.

  5. Kathy Minicozzi
    April 21, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    This guy has a good head on … whatever he uses to hold it up.

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