It’s weird how when a woman says, “It’s up to you, honey,” it sounds exactly like “Read my mind or die, motherfucker.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2014
The worst places of no return: 1) the Bermuda Triangle 2) hell 3) the friend zone
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2014
Wife: Can I have some ChapStick? Me: What makes you think a manly guy like me would carry that? Wife: Me: Mango or passion fruit?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2014
Priest: Do you swear to turn away from sin? Me: Wait, is porn a sin? Him: Yes. Me: Pencil me in for a firm “maybe.” Heaven, here I come.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2014
3-year-old: Read! Me: Stuff happened & they lived happily ever after. 3: You skipped words M: Prove it 3: He who can read has the power
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2014