A Helpful Guide For North West On How To Live With A Horrible Name | HumorOutcasts

A Helpful Guide For North West On How To Live With A Horrible Name

July 22, 2014

North West's guide to living with a horrible nameAs you know, Kim Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl via her money-maker.  She also committed a small act of child abuse when she named her child North.  North West.

A fricking direction.

Just when I think Kim and Kanye can’t get any dumber they name their child something your GPS says at least ten times a day.  I guess they’re overachievers in the idiot department and it’s a fair assumption they’re morons.

As if Baby North doesn’t already have the Gucci playing cards stacked against her based upon her DNA, she now has to go through life saddled with this horrendous name.  I can only hope that she’s like the math phenomenon that two negatives make a positive.  It’s her only hope.

Here’s to hoping North West turns those negatives into positives, and then turns in her dad to the authorities for being a complete douche.  That’s a crime, right?  If so, he’s Public Enemy Number One.

Come to think of it, he’d probably concede that simply because he likes to think he’s the best at everything in the world…just ask him.

Lately I’ve been thinking about poor North West and all the teasing she’s going to undergo for her ridiculous name.  What’s worse is she’s destined to have a giant booty, which will be another source for mockery.

In an effort to prepare North for the teasing she’s inevitably going to endure, here are a few things I think kids will say to make fun of her directionally challenged name.

I can practically hear the kids taunting her in the school yard,  or in her case, in the paparazzi-filled private school at the oxygen bar where the kids take their recess.  It’s right after yoga and colonics, between third and fourth period.

Here are the nicknames

  • North By Northwest
  • South East (it’s the opposite of North West and I find this hilarious.)

Here are a few jokes I can imagine will be told

  • “Where’s the best place to get <insert various sexual favors here>?  North West.”
  • “Guess who likes to go ‘down south?’  North West.”
  • “Do you know where the entire football team goes after practice?  North West.”
  • “North West airlines.  We put our junk in the trunk.”

Like them?  Have better ones?  Let me know!

Lisa Newlin

Lisa is a humor writer who plays an unconvincing lawyer in year life. She prefers dogs to most people, and food over most everything. Her blog, http://lisanewlin.com will make you feel better about your own life. It will also remind you that vodka is the answer to everything. (Except if the question is "What should I throw on this fire?" Then the answer is definitely NOT vodka.) She is also a co-author of the bestselling humor books, "I Just Want to Be Alone" and "'You've Got Lipstick On Your Teeth,' And Other Things Only Heard From Your Friends In The Powder Room." You should buy them immediately on Amazon.com.

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2 Responses to A Helpful Guide For North West On How To Live With A Horrible Name

  1. July 22, 2014 at 6:38 pm

    Yay Lisa Newlin! Thanks for making me laugh out loud at Kim’s money maker.

    • July 23, 2014 at 1:01 am

      I’m glad I could be of service. I’m sure you’re not the first person to laugh out loud at Kim’s money-maker if you know what I mean.

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