Wife: I need to get something off my chest.
Me:*reaches for her bra*
Wife: Are you really that dumb?
Me:
Wife:
Me:*reaches for her bra*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2014
Based on what people think of Marilyn Monroe today, in 100 years slutty white girls will quote Lindsay Lohan like she’s a great philosopher.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2014
Me: When we cross the street, I’ll hold your hand
4-year-old: No! I’ll hold YOUR hand!
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: OK. You drive a hard bargain
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 22, 2014
[driving]
Wife: Is this Milwaukee?
Me: No. THIS IS SPARTA!
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s Milwaukee.
Wife: Pull over. You’re walking.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 22, 2014
Me: I peed in a cup at the doctor’s office
Wife: Why’d you need a urine test?
Me: I didn’t. The doctor just left his coffee cup unattended
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 22, 2014