Last night Americans held a big party to celebrate the fact that their nation is now 2,014 years old. But today is the day we get serious and make our New Year’s Resolutions. One year a while back I pledged to get myself off Peeps ™, and I’m glad to report that I was successful. But this year I’m setting my sights on a much higher goal. Yes, this year I’m gonna stop worrying about Iran getting the bomb. Here’s why:
The Daily Mail recently reported on an Air Force general who was responsible for 450 nuclear missiles at three bases across the USA. A picture of the fellow revealed a serious, responsible-looking man with enough medals on his chest to re-tile my entire kitchen floor. But the guy got sacked because he got so drunk on a delegation to Russia that, among other things, he bragged of the ‘hot women’ he had met and tried to ‘fist bump’ a guide during a tour of a monastery.
Who hasn’t woken up in a fog, stared down at their bruised knuckles, and said “Oh crap, who did I fist bump last night?” And the Russians take fist-bumping in monasteries very seriously – it’d be like coming to America and trying to high-five a Jesus on the cross.
Now, I’m not one to judge this guy because I’ve struggled with drinking myself (though the only people endangered were a dozen or so Peeps ™). But this was the second firing in one week of a senior commander of American nuclear forces (the other guy got bagged for gambling issues).
But Iran is a nation that bans both alcohol and gambling (which means only the leader and his family can pursue those vices). This makes me far less wary that the guys in charge of the nukes are gonna hit the Fire button when they’re looking for the Off button on their Tandy computer.
Come to think of it, I’m not going to worry about anything this year. Yup, that’s my new year’s resolution right there.
Happy New Year everyone!