So many classic children’s books. There’s nothing so precious as the time we spend with our children tucked into bed reading a bedtime story. And if you’re a writer, or you’re a celebrity with zero writing experience who just became a parent, you have that hankering to write a children’s book. The only problem is, I’m kinda twisted. I’m afraid my tales for tots would turn out like these…
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1. Who Flung Pooh? – Another of the misadventures of Winnie the Pooh. Somebody in the Hundred Acre Wood threw Pooh out of his beloved Honey Bee Tree and now he’s stuck in Rabbit’s front door hole again. But who did it? And did the whole SNAFU cause our pal Pooh to hit the bottle again?
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2. Guess How Much I Loathe You? – The not so tender, less than heart warming tale of Little Nutjob Hare and Big Nutjob Hare and their incessant competitiveness.
Little Nut Job Hare: I love you up to the sky!
Big Nut Job Hare: Well, I love you all the way to the moon!
Little Nut Job Hare: In that case…I love you all the way through the entire stratosphere AND BACK! HA! TOP THAT!!
Big Nut Job Hare: You obnoxious little fur ball, I loathe you.
Little Nut Job Hare: Well I loathe you MORE!
Big Nut Job Hare: No, I loathe you MORE!
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3. If You Give A Mouse A Cookie – He’ll invite all his friends and his family and their friends and families “Yo! Free cookies!” and before you know it, you’ve got a shit load of vermon taking over. Now you have to either hire an exterminator or set traps which are not only gross, but kind of unethical. Do you really want those mice to suffer? Now look what you’ve done, you sadistic piece of shit! This could have been avoided if you’d just kept that cookie to yourself.
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4. George and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Terms – Gather ’round children and let me tell y’all the story of a dumb cowboy and how he became President, not once – but twice! – and how it nearly ruined the country!
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5. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom – The history of Burlesque.
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6. Good Night Loon – Favorite bedtime stories of New York’s Bellevue Mental Hospital. This is the complete collection of treasured tales told for decades. Yes, there’s nothing quite like being lulled to sleep by a soothing story after a little shock therapy. (Audio book read by William Shatner)
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7. Brown Bear, Brown Bear, Why Did You Eat My Brother? – He’s cute, he’s cuddly, he’s hungry and he just swallowed Joey’s little brother whole.
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8. The Rainbow Fish – Sometimes boy fish like other boy fish and girl fish like other girl fish. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. So don’t let anybody tell you there is. And don’t worry – it gets wetter.
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9. Furious George – It’s that crazy Presidential cowboy again, and boy is he mad! He’s wondering how to pronounce big words like nuc*lear and how in the heck he’s gonna put food on your family. So why are people still making fun of him?
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10. The Liar, the Bitch and the Wardrobe – Finally, the untold stories of the Real Housewives franchise! Liar on the left, bitch on the right. Or is that liar on the right and bitch on the left? Whatever. Designer duds, yo! 11. The Phantom Tollbooth – It’s 3am on the Jersey Turnpike and nobody is around…just you and an ashtray full of pennies. Do you throw the pennies and make a break for it, or do you just skip it and hope they didn’t install a surveilance camera? I’d go with the pennies. You’d never get away with that shit with a toll booth operator on duty. Paranoia and intrigue await you.
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11. The Phantom Tollbooth – It’s 3am on the Jersey Turnpike and nobody is around…just you and an ashtray full of pennies. Do you throw the pennies and make a break for it, or do you just skip it and hope they didn’t install a surveilance camera? I’d go with the pennies. You’d never get away with that shit with a toll booth operator on duty. Paranoia and intrigue await you. 
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12. A Wrinkle Is Time – In today’s youth obsessed society, there’s nothing worse than marking the years with an aged appearance. That’s where Dr. Bartholomew Botox comes in. He saves the day with a couple of syringes and a smile! 
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13. James and the Giant Peach – James couldn’t be happier! He sure got lucky on that blind date he went on. But will he call her the next day? This is a juicy one kids! (A companion piece to The Sign of the Beaver.) 
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14. Doctor Do Little – Jimmy and his Mom have been in the doctor’s office all day and all they got was five minutes with the doctor and he didn’t even make time to answer any of their questions. What? You don’t have health insurance? Sorry Jimmy, maybe you should try the free clinic. 
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15. Rebecca of Funnybrook Farm – Rebecca has to go away for awhile…and we’re not sure if she’s coming back.
I’m pretty sure I peed myself laughing when I read this. I’m totally sharing this. I can’t even tell you what my favorite it. As I was reading through, I said “oooh, that one is my favorite…no that one!” Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.
lol, children’s literature will never be the same!
OMG, so hilarious!!
I loved this!
Franklin could count by twos and hold his booze.
HAHAHA! Good one!! And poignant.
Giving kids nightmares since 19__ (fill in the blank).
Mission accomplished!
OMG Linda I just roared. So funny! Not sure G.W. will join your fan club, but then again, who cares?
Thank you Donna!!