This week I heard some astonishing news.
First of all, Rush Limbaugh is deaf. In both ears. Um…doesn’t he have a radio show?? Isn’t radio about hearing and not seeing? The answer to both questions is yes and so before you click away and never read another one of my posts, I must assure you that I am not punking you. I know nothing about medicine or technology, but I do know that we live in an age of cloned sheep and genetically modified food, so I believe that almost anything is possible. I’ll do my best to explain the details I heard about the Rush Limbaugh radio show hearoics as simply as I can: He has implants on both sides of his head. He needs to literally plug in to some kind of magnet at the studio and Wallah! Who do we have on Line 1?
As if that little tidbit weren’t enough, I also found out that although Michael Jackson has been dead for almost five years, he released a new song this week. It’s my new summer jam and I’m looking forward to more fresh music from the King of Pop as soon as he records again.
It is just crazy when you consider what we are capable of nowadays. It was only back in 1983 when NOVA first released The Miracle Of Life and mothers were heralded as the secret keepers of mind boggling phenomena.
With Mother’s Day upon us, I strongly believe it’s time we bring this honor back to the women who allow us to sponge off of them while in the womb, and then for eighteen more years without beating us to death for ruining their figures and yelling, I Hate You every time we’re denied a Twinkie.
Here’s what I propose:
Science needs to get cracking on an implant for every new human being that arrives. It could be placed in the baby’s soft spot on the front of its head, growing with the child after the bones fuse and the skull hardens.
The idea is that throughout your human life, you will do a million things that are annoying, disgusting, and just plain wrong. This implant will set off mom’s nagging voice when you screw up…and the best part is that she won’t stop badgering you until the behavior ends.
For example, small children should not do things like pick their noses, neglect to wash their hands after using the toilet, or touch poop.
If they do, they will hear:
“What are you doing? Put down the booger/poop log immediately! What are you thinking? Snot doesn’t have candy in it! I don’t care what that little trouble maker in daycare told you! One day his head is going to explode with all the yelling going on in his ear all day long! Is that what you want? I didn’t think so. Now drop Rover’s doodie. Wait a minute. Where are you going? Get over there and wash your hands now! Don’t make me yell at you like I did last Tuesday when you spent ten minutes wiping your butt and zero minutes in soap and water!”
As teens, some of the biggest no-no’s would be underage drinking and drug use:
“Don’t even think about lifting that can of beer to your lips! Ain’t nobody got time to pick your sorry drunken ass up off the floor after you vomit and pass out! If you embarrass this family, I promise I will never stop talking in your ear. You will wish there was a strong enough drug to give to your pathetic, bad decision making, stupid, why was I even born if I’m going to be a loser anyway brain that will make me finally stop talking. Don’t test me. And after that, get your dirty laundry up off the floor, the pizza boxes out of your room, and the dishes out of the den. The glasses we drink from should be clear, not furry like the blue carpet in your bedroom.”
For the most part, by the time you reach adulthood, you should be pretty well trained, but there are still times that you will need to be admonished:
“Seriously? What part of signal before you switch lanes did you miss in Driver’s Ed? Stop speeding! You just scared that kid on the bike! Now you’ve done it, I’m taking control. See that red light telling you to pull over safely? Do it! I just sent a message to the car’s computer and it’s shutting down moron! You need a time-out to think about how important it is to consider that there are others on the road. Maybe stopping in the middle of the street to talk to that whore from high school isn’t such a good idea, especially when I’ve told you a thousand times that I don’t like her. I don’t think your wife does either. And what’s with you and the cell phone? Does the concept of pay attention to your kids not exist for you?”
This suggestion is my special Mother’s Day gift to all da mamas in da house. I had a prototype made so I could test it out. I think mine’s a bit defective because the few times it goes off, it says things like, “Gurl, you are so smart! Your ideas are the best! That’s right sista! Work that swag!” In fact, it’s been applauding the entire time I’ve been typing. You’re welcome…