I Miss Shaking Hands | HumorOutcasts

I Miss Shaking Hands

October 2, 2014

Someday in the not-too-distant future, many of us will startle our grandchildren by telling them that once upon a time, friends would meet for lunch, shake hands, and then eat without washing those hands after the shake. They’ll be amazed that in the past, some people were insulted if someone didn’t want to shake hands with them. We’ll shock those grandkids by telling them that there was a time when folks would go to cocktail parties, meet new people and shake their hands without secretly thinking, “How am I going to sneak off to the bathroom to wash my hands before they serve the finger food?”

There’s no doubt about it. Very soon, the handshake will be a thing of the past. It will go the way of the dinosaur, the lamplighter, and customer service. I will miss it. I already do.

The Center for Disease Control says that good hand hygiene is the best way to prevent colds from spreading. I place the beginning of major handshaking avoidance with the Swine Flu Panic of 2009. That’s when hands officially went from mere appendages to virulent petri dishes. That’s when we were encouraged to keep our hand hygiene up to par. That’s also when the handshake started to disappear.

There’s some faulty logic there. Just because the best way to stop germs from spreading is by having clean hands doesn’t mean that the best way to avoid germs is to avoid handshakes. No, the best way is for everybody to have clean hands. Your reluctance to shake your friends’ hands before eating lunch presumes they don’t wash their hands when they should. What kind of friends are you hanging out with anyway?

I came rather late to germaphobia. I had thought my neuroses plate was full, but I guess there’s always room for one more.  Now I’m thinking I made a mistake when I started worrying so much about the shake. I’m still not against using common sense. I don’t advocate shaking hands with someone who has been sick or has been around sick people or who is bleeding profusely from the palm. However, don’t you think we’ve taken this whole thing a little too far?

A handshake is more than a social nicety. It is actual human contact, something we experience less and less of in these digital days. It’s believed that the handshake began as a way to show that a person was not carrying a weapon and wanted peace. Deals are sealed with a handshake. Someone with a good, firm handshake is thought to be a person of good character. So two questions arise. Does all of this handshake avoidance really work? Even if it does, is it worth it?
Do you know anyone who is vigilant about avoiding handshakes who gets fewer colds or flus than anyone else? I don’t. Even if they get fewer colds now than before they became shakeless, it’s not like they used to get 50 colds a year and now they get only five. The average adult gets between two and four colds a year. If avoiding handshaking really does reduce colds, maybe that vigilant non-shaker can eliminate one of the colds per year. Is it worth missing out on all that human contact for an entire year to maybe avoid one cold?

I’m not saying a cold is anything to sneeze at. When I get one, I go crazy. I don’t understand how others can go on with their lives knowing how much I’m suffering, and I spend most of my time in bed wondering what it will be like having a cold for the rest of my days.

However, I think we’re getting mixed messages from health experts. In recent years, we’ve been told that physical touching is important to our health, especially our mental and emotional health. Just being touched by another person can help reduce stress and depression. So do you want to be sniffle-free but depressed?

You know it’s going to be a slippery slope. Today, handshakes are out, next it’s hugs and kisses. After that, some medical journal will recommend that we just not touch anyone else anymore. As much as I hate colds, I have decided to try to worry less and shake more. I’m a friendly guy. Physical contact is just too important to me. It’s important to everybody. I don’t think there has ever been a prisoner in solitary confinement who has shouted joyfully, “I love it here! There’s no chance of catching a cold from shaking hands with anybody. Please let me stay here alone forever.”
This isn’t going to be easy for me, either. But can’t we at least try to be less hysterical when it comes to worrying about catching germs from other people? In fact, let’s shake on it.

Lloyd Garver

I was fortunate to be involved in one of the Golden Ages of Television comedy. I wrote and produced television shows ranging from "Sesame Street" to "The Bob Newhart Show" to "Family Ties" to Home improvement" to "Frasier." (I've also read many books, some of them in hardcover). I grew up in Chicago, went to college at the University of California at Berkeley, and got my Masters at Northwestern. Then I followed my dream to become a serious writer… by driving to Hollywood and getting a job writing questions and "ad lib" jokes for the game show, "Hollywood Squares."I wrote spec scripts in my spare time while I was toiling away at "Hollywood Squares," and after a few years sold my first to a show called, "Love, American Style." After that, I was lucky enough to continue to write for many comedies for the next 30 years or so. However, I always had an interest in writing essays and columns. An early "My Turn" column for "Newsweek" about the evils of Nintendo resulted in my being a guest on "Oprah." I assume that she will support me if I ever run for President.I have been a weekly humor and opinion columnist since 2001. I have written columns for "The Kansas City Kansan," "The Denver Post," "The Santa Monica Daily Press," "The San Francisco Examiner," Crawford Texas' "The Lone Star Iconoclast," and the "The Jewish Journal." My column has also run on line on CBSnews.com and I wrote a sports column for SportsLine.com. It has also been syndicated to hundreds of papers and sites. I was also recently honored by the National Society of Newspaper Columnists for a column I wrote about the NCAA final four tournament. In this age of suspicion, I feel compelled to give you a guarantee about me. I swear that I have never written a column or a script while on steroids or other performance-enhancing drugs. All right, once I took a swig of some Human Growth Hormone, but it gave me gas.

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3 Responses to I Miss Shaking Hands

  1. October 4, 2014 at 1:53 am

    I wonder how much those full body condoms will go for?

  2. October 3, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    Lloyd, I LOVED this piece. You are so right. Let’s keep a common sense perspective. If a person is sickly I will avoid a handshake, but since when did giving off a general attitude of “Ew, you’ve got cooties” become preferable? People, it’s called an immune system! And most of us have a working one.

  3. October 3, 2014 at 12:40 am

    So this is why everyone wants to fist bump now? Ugh. I’ll take a hug and my chances.

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