Kathy’s Points to Remember | HumorOutcasts

Kathy’s Points to Remember

July 16, 2014

FlipflopsNever put your shoes on the wrong feet. Your feet will become confused and start to walk in opposite directions.

If you are a foot model for disgusting pictures on a podiatrist’s wall, don’t wear flipflops in public. (Thank you, Jeff Foxworthy.)

Ladies – Never walk around with your skirt tucked up in back. If you have a great tush and beautiful thighs, you will make other women want to put a curse on you. If you have an ugly tush and fat thighs, you will make everyone want to put a curse on you. If you don’t wear underwear, some pervert cop will arrest you and hit on you, not necessarily in that order. If you don’t want to go through all that, make sure your skirt is all the way down.

Ladies again – If you think that nobody can see that teeny-tiny little run way down on the heel of your otherwise good pair of pantyhose, think again. Even if they are half-blind, older women have special radar and laser-beam vision for defects in other women’s attire. Every old lady who sees you will spot that miniscule run right through your shoe.

Gentlemen – Remember your favorite white shirt with the chili dog stain that you just know you can hide under your jacket? Well, everybody can see it, and everybody thinks you’re a slob.

Gentlemen again – Don’t wear bikini briefs when you’re trying to impress someone. They are guaranteed to ride up and cause intense pain. Reaching in to adjust them will not be socially acceptable, unless you’re at a support group for flashers.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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5 Responses to Kathy’s Points to Remember

  1. July 21, 2014 at 10:15 pm

    Amen to this! Every department store needs to post this list for their shoppers!

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    July 17, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    My feet have been doing their own thing for years now, going in whatever direction they choose and only now do I know that it’s due to putting my shoes on the wrong feet. I’m just not sure if Jill Y is going to want to tie my laces each morning but I just can’t see any other way out of this. Thanks for the tip Kathy.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 17, 2014 at 11:43 pm

      I live to serve. 😉

  3. July 17, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Kathy – is this firsthand knowledge?

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 17, 2014 at 11:42 pm

      I’m not telling! 😉

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