I saw two strange headlines this week. The first, centered around a teen from Tennessee who hid a gun in her vagina. I am trying not to judge; I know times are tough. Maybe she couldn’t afford a holster. The second headline was even more disturbing. A Chicago man sleeping in the woods managed to attract a lizard. The lizard, who asked not to be identified, went and settled in the only body part that was accessible to him: the man’s penis.
I have some questions. I don’t understand the gun in the vagina, but I do get how it wound up there. I don’t get the lizard. The guy was camping in the woods, and he had his penis out? I am not a big camper, so excuse my ignorance, but from what I understand about the great outdoors, one tries to protect one’s body parts from the elements and wildlife. I don’t think I know any man who would say “Gee, I have a jacket and hat to protect me from the cold, but my penis can freeze. It’s not that important.”
Okay, so the lizard, which was legless (and how fortunate for this guy it was legless—what are the odds?), slithers up this man’s penis and instead of screaming, “My gosh, my gosh, I have a lizard in my wee wee!” the man says, “Ooh, this feels kinda cool. I think I’ll stay the night in the woods and see what else my penis can capture.”
Unfortunately for the man, he forgot one thing: peeing. His lively little love toy sort of blocked the exit, and this made the camper finally seek medical help. His plan was not to tell the doctors about the critter, but when the ER physician ordered a catheter he had to come clean so the lizard wouldn’t be hurt. I am pleased to report that the man and the lizard are doing fine and they are planning an early summer wedding. Maybe they will invite the chick with the gun. It will make for some banging wedding stories
“Ooh this feels kinda cool” . . . OMG I’m dying laughing!!!
OMG! I guarantee that guy put that lizard up there. I can’t even imagine how it successfully got up there, but I don’t believe for a minute it was an accident, especially with how protective the guy was of it.
Maybe he just wanted to have a nice cozy night with his girlfriend at her place. After all, his apartment isn’t exactly the most comfortable for a lizard…but his penis definitely is.
Any dude reading the lizard bit has got to wince at the thoughts of it!
Apparently, at least one dude did not wince!
I hate to state the evident (okay, I LOVE to state the evident), but that guy, well… I don’t want to venture to guess the size of his urethra, more than likely stretched during his BDSM days. Can’t figure out any other way anything can crawl up there…
See, I didn’t think this through. Now that I have that visual Maura, I have an entirely new perspective on this imbecile!
LOL Sorry ‘bout that! I happen to know some things about BDSM after editing Cheri Blossum’s “Secrets & Seduction”! {Again, I apologize for that shameless promotion!}
I will give you a pass because you are so damn funny!
The only thing I want to know is how big was that lizard 😉
You and Maura need to have lunch Theresa. When you come up with an answer, let me know!
Something tells me this is not a lunch conversation. More like an early cocktail one.
This sounds like an urban legend in the making!
If only it were Kathy…if only it were.