The Weather Changes. Again. | HumorOutcasts

The Weather Changes. Again.

April 23, 2014
By

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

 

“Tragedy in Churubusco when three residents went on a walk to show off their spring clothes during the warm up this morning, and were later found frozen to death. Their bodies were originally scheduled to be cremated, but couldn’t be thawed fast enough.”

This is why writers should live in Indiana; that kind of stuff just writes itself.

Oh, I know, I’ve talked a lot about the weather this year. It’s only April—whatever will my columns be about in July? Heat, I’m guessing. But we came close this spring to actually having that snow tornado I used to joke about, so if you’re interested in weather at all, it’s been an interesting year.

“Mental health officials are seeing a sudden spike in emotional breakdowns after people went out last week to mow their lawns, only to find two inches of snow on the ground.”

You don’t even have to make it up: That actually happened to me last week, except that I went to the door to bring the dog in. His frostbite/heat exhaustion is healing nicely, by the way.

It’s one of the few times I actually dropped the F-bomb in public. I opened the door that morning and stood there for a moment, honestly puzzled about why everything outside had a strange white coloring to it. Then the dog came storming in as if a snow tornado was chasing him, and he was covered in white. He shook himself, and a winter storm developed in my kitchen.

Then I looked outside and said, “What the fudge?!?!”

Only, to quote writer Jean Shepherd, I didn’t say fudge.

The neighbors have teenagers, but since it was early morning I’m hopeful they didn’t hear me. If they did, they probably thought something like, “Hey, they had that word when he was a kid!” Then I’d yell “Get off my lawn!” and it would be downhill from there.

Anyway, this is Indiana. Worse, this is northern Indiana, within the range of lake effect snow while too far away to actually play in the waves, assuming the waves haven’t frozen themselves into some Salvador Dali shape.

(Yes, I’m a small town Midwestern boy who actually knows who Salvador Dali is. Okay, I looked him up. What’s with the melting clocks? Is it August?)

Sorry if this column seems a little disjointed: There have been so many barometric pressure changes this month that my sinuses exploded, and I’ve been off balance ever since. Which brings me back to my point: We’re used to big weather extremes, to such an extent that many people actually say “I wish it would just stay cold, instead of going up and down like this.” That’s a concept we pay for in January, when the missing Polar ice cap often lingers in the fields just outside of Huntertown.

By the way, Huntertown wasn’t named after my family. It actually stems from the Indian world “Hunyukcoldon”, which means “The snow’s melting, grab your sandbags”.

Anyway …

What brought all this up was last week, when it hit the mid 70’s here in Albion. Then thunderstorms came through. Then the next day I walked out on the front porch and not only was everything covered in snow, but it felt and even smelled like winter. The next night we reached a record cold temperature. The day after that it hit 60.

The day after that I boarded up all my doors and windows, and set fire to my boots.

Is it any wonder everyone’s talking about the weather? I mean, except the Weather Channel. I had it on at work for eight hours the other night, and every time I glanced up I saw … no weather. Only a scroll across the bottom of the screen explaining that the weather for the next hour would be delayed by a very special episode of “Extreme Ice Road Air Rescue Fishing With The Stars”.

In their defense, thanks to The Weather Channel, I now know a great deal about tow truck drivers, steel construction workers, the Coast Guard, and Mars. Still, I can’t help thinking a name change is in order.

But who can blame them? Reality programming gives them a chance to sit back, take a breath, and try to figure out what the fudge is going on in Indiana.

 

 

Bae hates snow

“What the — you told me we were done with this white stuff!”

Mark R Hunter

Mark R Hunter is the author of three romantic comedies: Radio Red, Storm Chaser, and its sequel, The Notorious Ian Grant, as well as a related story collection, Storm Chaser Shorts. He also wrote a young adult adventure, The No-Campfire Girls, and a humor collection, Slightly Off the Mark. In addition, he collaborated with his wife, Emily, on the history books Images of America: Albion and Noble County, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With The Albion Fire Department, and Hoosier Hysterical. Mark’s work also appeared in the anthologies My Funny Valentine and Strange Portals: Ink Slingers’ Fantasy/Horror Anthology. For two decades Mark R Hunter has been an emergency dispatcher for the Noble County Sheriff Department. He’s served over 32 years as a volunteer for the Albion Fire Department, holding such positions as safety officer, training officer, secretary, and public information officer. He also has done public relations writing for the Noble County Relay For Life, among other organizations, and served two terms on the Albion Town Council. When asked if he has any free time, he laughs hysterically. Mark lives in Albion, Indiana, with his wife and editor Emily, a cowardly ball python named Lucius, and a loving, scary dog named Beowulf. He has two daughters and twin grandsons, and so naturally is considering writing a children’s book.

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8 Responses to The Weather Changes. Again.

  1. April 26, 2014 at 11:14 am

    I keep trying to keep my house comfortable with the least energy usage(electricity or gas, not necessarily mine). It’s hard to know if I should use the attic fan to bring in some nice cool air when tomorrow the sun may disappear for a week and the temps stay below 40. But if I leave it at 78 in the house, I don’t sleep well at night in a puddle of sweat.

    • April 27, 2014 at 9:37 pm

      I used to do that … now I’d rather get a third job, and crank that thermostat up!

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    April 25, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Dogs really are man’s best friend. They’re living, breeding proof of what the weather is really like. I refuse to believe those guys on the television about such important issues.

    • April 26, 2014 at 5:39 am

      I don’t even need dogs for the weather news — I can rely on my sinuses. Wish I couldn’t.

  3. April 25, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Out here near Boston, the sun is shining and flowers bloom, but I won’t give up my winter coat yet. I don’t trust it! I’m a victim of Stockholm syndrome, in love with weather that is my abuser.

    • April 26, 2014 at 5:40 am

      Absolutely right, I agree. The flowers are starting to bloom here, but I still have snow shovels on my front porch and ice scrapers in my car.

  4. Kathy Minicozzi
    April 23, 2014 at 7:00 pm

    As usual, New Yorkers are complaining about OUR weather, which has been unusually changeable (for us) this year. As usual, our weather has been wimpy, compared to that of other parts of the country. We bitch and moan about it because we’re out in it so much, since most of us shop nearby, and we take public transportation more than we drive cars. We also just like to bitch and moan.

    As for your weather story, all I can say is … YIKES!

    • April 23, 2014 at 11:57 pm

      When it comes to weather, I think most of us say we want it more temperate, but we secretly love complaining about it … no matter what part of the world you’re in. But as bad as ours has been, I can tell you I don’t want to live in Buffalo!



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