When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2014
Me: Call me Iron Man! Wife: Seriously? Every fucking time? Me: *sullenly irons the shirts*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2014
Me: *takes deer antlers off the wall* I’m so horny. Wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: You’re like the Carrot Top of not getting laid.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2014
Wife: Why are there dents in the floor? Me: There was a snake. I killed it with a baseball bat. Wife: Me: It turns out it was a belt.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2014
Me: What does a sheep say? 1-year-old: ROOAARR!!! I do not want to mess with that sheep.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2014
