Wife: Your beard is ugly. Shave it off. Me:*shaves it off* Wife: Never mind. The problem is your face. I get it, single people. I get it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2014
3-year-old: Will you carry me? Me: Only if you carry me. 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: First you have to stop being fat. No deal.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2014
Wife: Our 1-year-old drank the bubble mix. Me: Watch this. *tickles 1-year-old* 1: *throws up* That went so much better in my head.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2014
I divide the world into 2 categories: things big enough to mow around, and things small enough to mow over. Next time pick up your Barbies.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2014
I dressed my 1-year-old in a polo shirt and accidentally left the collar popped. Now she calls everyone bro and constantly offers fist bumps
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2014