We love playing cards with Scurvy Jane and her dog because we can always tell when they have a good hand:
Wife: Your beard is ugly. Shave it off. Me:*shaves it off* Wife: Never mind. The problem is your face. I get it, single people. I get it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2014 3-year-old: […]
Ironing is really overrated. People already point out my wrinkles and now my clothes match my face. God I hate everyone.