Wife: Hey, baby, want to get dirty? Me: Yes! *spends two hours planting flowers* Marriage is a trap.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2014
When my wife asks me something and I wasn’t listening, my default response is, “You’re way prettier than her.” It’s always the right answer.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2014
My mom: If disappointing me were a sport, you’d win first place. Me: Haha, yeah probably. *finishes second and lets her down again*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2014
How to do yoga like men: 1) Roll up your yoga mats as tightly as possible. 2) Use them to sword fight.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2014
A group of lions is called a pride. A group of twenty-somethings who live with their parents is called a shame.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2014