4-year-old: There’s a shark in my closet. Me: He’d die without water 4: Then he’s a ghost shark Me: *stays the hell away from the closet*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2014
Therapist: Before you can love others, you first have to love yourself. Me: No thanks. That guy is an asshole.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2014
I have a secret family recipe for the best cookies on earth: 1) Buy Oreos. 2) Eat them.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2014
When my boss said he wanted someone to push him, he meant “to be great,” not “down the stairs.” Lesson learned.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2014
4-year-old: How come the eggs in the fridge never hatch? Me: Because you didn’t sit on them. Now I wait.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/14/14: pic.twitter.com/QJnstuUbo6
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 30, 2014