Wife: Am I your best friend? Me: I don’t think my best friend should be someone I’m scared of. Wife: *glares* I stand corrected.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2014
Sorry my phone autocorrected “lol” to “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever read. Never text me again.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2014
Oh, you ran a marathon in three hours? Well I just drove 30 miles in like 22 minutes. I bet you feel stupid now.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2014
Wife: You’re a man. Act like one. Me: OK. *scratches balls and ignores the problem*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2014
My favorite kind of party is the one where I stay home and take a nap instead.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2014