Bouncer: You’re not on the list. Me: This says I am. *hands him three Taco Bell hot sauce packets* Him: Me: Him: Right this way, sir.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 24, 2014
4-year-old: Can a snake come out of the drain and bite me? Me: Of course not. 4: Why? Me: 4: Me: *fills all the drains with cement*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 24, 2014
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired. Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad? *puts on Band-Aid* *bursts into flames*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 24, 2014
4-year-old: Can I have glue? Me: No. 4: But I’m making a present for you. Me: Fine. What else do you need? 4: A hammer and knives.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 24, 2014
I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 24, 2014