Sure, we have chemistry, honey. Your acidic personality dissolves my will to live.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2014
4-year-old: *slaps my face* Me: Ow! What was that for?! 4: It’s my secret handshake.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2014
Wife: How did you screw up soup?! The instructions are written on the can! Me: That’s hurtful. Apologize. Wife: I’m sorry you can’t read.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2014
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day Teach a man to fish and he’ll go to the store and buy real meat because fuck eating seafood twice
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 14, 2014
Professor: What can you tell me about Watergate? Me: You can’t make a gate from water. It’s liquid. Professor: Me: *gasps* Was it ice?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2014