What the Tanners’ neighbors thought about that “Full House”

photo from http://mashable.com/2013/06/11/bob-saget-photobombs-his-old-home-from-full-house/
photo from http://mashable.com/2013/06/11/bob-saget-photobombs-his-old-home-from-full-house/

Who doesn’t love a good sitcom about 3 dudes living with 3 young girls?  It’s such a relatable premise, which is probably why “Full House” was such a successful show.

I used to love everything about the Tanners and watched “Full House” religiously when I was a kid.  (By “when I was a kid” I mean now.)

From a creepy uncle who lived in the basement to the equally creepy uncle who lived in a child’s bedroom on the second floor, there was a lot of shit that went down in that house.

photo credit: Funky64 (www.lucarossato.com) via photopin cc
photo credit: Funky64 (www.lucarossato.com) via photopin cc

I used to think Uncle Joey was the creepy one, living in the basement with stuffed animals and children’s toys, but now that I think about it, at least he had his own space.

Uncle Joey’s gig was actually better than Uncle Jesse’s.   Jesse had no privacy living upstairs, just a bedroom away from enough make-up and estrogen to make any tranny jealous.

He had limited space in that room. Where do you think he kept his stash of VHS tapes of porn?  You know that guy was a dirty bird.

He shared a wall with a toddler and a bathroom with two pre-pubescent girls.  His hair probably smelled like Tinkerbell shampoo, and his balls probably smelled like herpes.

photo credit: Paul Watson via photopin cc
photo credit: Paul Watson via photopin cc

Do herpes smell?  I don’t know.

For some reason, I got to thinking about what the neighbors must have thought of that bat shit crazy house.

Fortunately, I found a diary entry from one of the Tanner’s neighbors, and since I’m awesome like that, I decided to share the notes with you.

  • Why are there so many grown men in one house?  It’s not just that “Everywhere you look….there’s a face….of somebody who needs you,”  it’s that every one of those faces are dudes, which is super creepy.  It’s one big sausage fest over there.
  • photo credit: Fotografik33 via photopin cc
    photo credit: Fotografik33 via photopin cc

    The music coming from that house is dreadful.  I’m not sure if those two middle-aged dudes who always have their shirts tucked into their pants think they’re going to start a rock band, but they probably need to realize that musicians don’t usually rock out on their electric keyboards.  Homeboys need to learn to lip sync…and learn how to wear a pair of Dockers.

  • I swear they say they only have one small girl that lives there, but I know there are two girls who look alike and they just call both of them Michelle.
  • Please don’t try to convince me that Kimmy Gibbler is best friends with DJ Tanner.  I’m not sure what dirt Kimmy has on DJ, but it has to be good.
  • If I hear “You got it, dude” one more time, I might actually blow my brains out.  Or, maybe I’ll just buy some blow from Kimmy Gibbler.  Either way, blow will be involved.  You know, maybe that’s why DJ is friends with Gibbler.  DJ looks like she dabbles in nose candy.  It’s the only explanation for why she would ever think she looked good in mall bangs.
  • That middle child, Stephanie, is super annoying.  There’s nothing else to report on that one.  I just wanted to mention it.
  • There’s something about the dad, Danny Tanner, that tells me he has a really nasty side to him.  My intuition tells me he has a really good ending to that Aristocrats joke.
  • photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc
    photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

    Where the hell is that convertible they drive in the opening credits?  They’re all happy driving across the bridge in that hoopty and then we never see it again.  Maybe it’s Gibbler’s drug car.

  • Aunt Becky likes to play it innocent with her shirts buttoned all the way up to her neck, but I know the score.  She may be a poorly dressed lady in the street, but she’s a freak in the bed for sure. Once her granny panties come off, it’s on.

That’s all the notes I found from the neighbors.  Apparently their house was torn down after the show ended, which isn’t really that sad as it was just the front of a building and not a full house anyway.

Ha!  Not a full house.  I made a pun and didn’t even know it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch reruns of “Family Matters” and answer the question about why Urkel talked in a high-pitched voice.  (Spoiler alert:  His pants where shoved up his scrotum.)

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7 thoughts on “What the Tanners’ neighbors thought about that “Full House””

  1. This house is definitely full. I’ve never watched the show but I think I’ll give it a shot now. Thanks for making my brain realize this.

  2. I always thought this show was too sugary to be real! I also was a little curious about what went on in that house. Another show to take on was Step by Step with Suzanne Somers

  3. This post was really good. Please write about Family Matters next! I’d love to know what you have to say about Steve and Laura’s relationship in particular.

    1. I need to write about that show! I totally forgot I referenced that. Maybe I should do a series making fun of shows from the 80s. It would be glorious, wouldn’t it?

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